Yes, Dubious Sexual Consent Exists In Real Life
Based on my personal experiences
It disturbs me when people think that dubious sexual consent (dubcon) only exists in fiction.
Dubcon is when sexual consent is in doubt.
This is different from non-consensual sex (non-con), where no consent was given at all.
Some believe there’s no difference between non-con and dubcon. Others believe there is a difference, so we should clearly label it as one or the other. So readers can judge if this is something they want to read.
Some examples of dubcon:
- Sex in exchange for a favor
- Sex with a big power difference (e.g. a boss and employee).
- Sex under social pressure. (E.g. Having sex with a spouse, because you’re afraid they’ll leave you if you don't satisfy their needs.)
For people who believe there’s no difference between dubcon and non-con, they say that the court of law discredits victims, pushing them to prove that it was a true sexual assault. So the “dubcon” label will only invalidate victims even more.
People who do believe there’s a difference between dubcon and non-con, say that the dubcon label empowers victims. The term spotlights where people can be dismissive of consent issues, which encourages more people to talk about it.
What About Real Life?
Yet, for both people who believe in the dubcon label, and those who don’t, they usually agree on this:
Dubcon only exists in fiction, not in real life.
Hmm…I beg to differ.
Once, I spoke to a friend who worked at a sexual assault center. They told me that it’s up to the victim to define what happened to them.
Yes, that's the missing part to these discussions.
When people debate whether a scene was consensual, non-con, or dubcon, they almost always think from the outsider’s point of view.
Few people think from the “victim’s” point of view.
I put that in quote marks, since not all of us want to call ourselves that.
In the following personal examples, I make the case that dubcon does exist in real life.
My “Fun” Sexting Buddy
On Grindr, a gay hookup app, I talked to a guy who called himself “DLDong.”
I enjoyed his flattery, and I mentioned that I liked roleplays.
After I said that, he immediately launched a roleplay. I was aghast. Yes, I said I liked this activity, but he began without even asking me!
Nevertheless, I was inexperienced, so I assumed this was how other people did it.
The roleplay was fun. I felt desirable and turned on.
But then things got weird.
He remarked that “mommy” was about to come home. Yet, he was glad he could satisfy his urges with me.
Um…was this “mommy” just a character he made up for the role play? Or did he actually have a wife?
I hate cheating, so I was horrified.
It was only later that I learned that “DL” in his username, stood for “downlow.” This means guys who are closeted, who often have a wife.
Was I tricked into doing things with someone I thought was single?
Debatable Sexual Consent
Would you call my interaction with the guy consensual, non-consensual, or dubcon?
Some would say it’s consensual, since I enjoyed the sexting.
However, enjoyment doesn’t cancel out the need for consent.
Just as sexual arousal doesn’t imply consent, enjoyment doesn't equal consent, either.
It was also iffy that he started the roleplay without asking me.
Some people may think I’m finicky. I’ve heard the argument that it’s hard for the “top” partner to balance taking initiative versus asking for consent.
If I said no to the role play, he would stop, right?
Yet, there’s a hidden problem with this question.
When someone doesn’t say no, it doesn’t mean they’re saying yes.
Many people are afraid that their partner will get aggressive if they say no, so they say nothing. Worse, they might say yes even if they don’t want to.
The other issue with this guy, was that he might be married.
If he did have a wife, that would not be informed consent, since he never told me.
But it’s debatable if a guy with “DL” in his username needs to disclose anything. Some would even say that no one needs to disclose their relationship status on a hookup app.
So, given all the above factors, I would see this as dubcon.
A Shady Hookup
Before I met up with the second guy, I was so buttered up by his compliments. His words turned me on, too.
Yet…something felt off. Nevertheless, I was so flattered and curious, that I ignored my gut instinct.
He asked me strange questions, too:
“Are you wearing boy panties or girl panties?”
Um…I had no idea. I don’t gender my underwear.
Then he told me not to wear boxers.
Sheesh. I didn’t get what he was on about, but I didn’t like him telling me what to wear.
He also requested that I don’t eat anything after breakfast. (Our meetup time was in the afternoon.)
Wow, I didn’t need a guy telling me when to eat, either!
Since he had a work meeting shortly after, he asked if I could Uber to his place. I was already walking from the subway station. It wouldn’t take more than 10 minutes. Why would I waste money on a short Uber ride?
For context, the guy lived in a wealthy neighborhood. So maybe he didn’t think Ubering at a short distance was a big deal.
When I arrived at his place, he invited me to shower. After I undressed, he squeezed and slapped my bum. What the hell?
During the hookup itself, there were some things I enjoyed, and some things I…disliked.
When I finally got the courage to tell him not to squeeze my bum so hard, he lightened his grip somewhat.
Looking back, I could have refused to do some things he requested.
In contrast, when I asked him to do something (e.g. stroke my hair), he sometimes did it, but most of the time, he ignored me.
After he “finished,” he became cool and distant. The next day, he ghosted me by blocking me on the app.
Consent or No Consent?
Yes, I could have been more vocal about some things. But do you see the problematic parts?
He made demands that were none of his business, such as telling me what to wear, asking that I take an Uber to his place, and requesting that I refrain from food after breakfast.
He didn’t ask for my permission before he groped my bum. Yes, he lightened his grip when I told him to, but he should have asked before grabbing anything in the first place!
Moreover, he could have done check-ins, to see if I actually wanted to do something.
We know that no means no, but only a verbal yes is a real yes. I didn't give verbal yeses to almost anything. I just did them because I was afraid of getting hurt if I resisted.
He occasionally asked if I was horny. Honestly I was turned off most of the time. But I didn’t want to offend him, so I said something unrelated, like, “My back is hurting.”
That might sound comical. But if your hookup partner doesn’t respond with enthusiasm, and even complains about bodily pain, they’re clearly not loving it.
Some may argue that I agreed to go to his place for a hookup, so it’s consensual.
However, there is no “blanket consent.” Just because I agreed to come, does not mean I was okay with everything he wanted me to do.
Lastly, yes, I did enjoy some parts. I didn't hate all of it.
But did my enjoyment invalidate my concerns? No. You can enjoy some activities, but still have problems with the partner’s attitudes.
Overall, I would judge our encounter as dubcon.
The Dangerous Temptation
This final guy sent me a dick pic, and described what he wanted to do to me.
To be clear, I checked the box on my Grindr profile, permitting people to send me NSFW pics.
It was also the nicest dick pic I had ever seen. Maybe he was skilled with photography.
While I was annoyed that he misgendered me as a girl at first, I was still very turned on.
We bantered back and forth. I told him I didn’t want to meet yet because of the pandemic. But he was pushy and rude.
Eventually, he gave up and left me alone.
From time to time, the guy would show up again with a new account (I recognized his dick pic). We would bicker and he would give up until the next time.
But despite how disrespectful and relentless he was, I actually enjoyed the attention. It made me feel desirable and attractive. I even developed an odd fondness for him, even if that’s wrong.
I had enough of a head on my shoulders to keep rebuffing him. But hell, I wonder what would happen if I ever gave in to the temptation.
Is This Dubious Consent?
On the surface, this might look non-consensual.
The guy was pushy, rude, and persistent.
Yet…I was also sexually excited. Heck, if you read what I typed to him, you might think I was leading him on.
I said no, yet I also gave him compliments and other encouragements. It was fun to tease a horny stranger.
Yes, in hindsight, while the guy could have been more respectful, I was also sending mixed signals.
This reminds me of a familiar debate:
When a girl flirts with a guy at a bar, is she inviting him to have sex with her?
The answer is no. However, some people complain that she shouldn’t flirt with the guy in the first place, because that’s misleading and gives him false hope.
Hmmm…
Here’s a similar, but more disturbing scenario:
A girl is drunk and sitting in the back of an Uber. She makes sexually flirtatious comments at the Uber driver.
The driver believes that’s an invitation. So he has sex with her. When the girl becomes sober, she is horrified and reports rape.
I do agree that it’s rape, because you can’t give consent when you're drunk. The Uber driver should have known better than to see sexual remarks from a drunk woman as a serious invitation.
My case is less extreme, since we never met up in person. Yet there’s a similar logic behind this.
I was definitely flirtatious, and I enjoyed reading what he wanted to do to me sexually.
But I still said no to meeting up because of COVID.
Critics may think that I should have simply told him no. There was no need for me to tease and torment him.
I wasn’t in the best headspace, admittedly. No, I wasn’t drunk, but I just had gender affirming surgery. During recovery, my doctor told me I couldn’t masturbate for 3 weeks!
So I wasn’t intoxicated, but I was burning with desperate sexual desire. I was vulnerable and not in my right mind.
In any case, this is a messy picture when it comes to whether it was a consensual interaction or not. I see it as dubcon.
So Does Dubious Sexual Consent Exist in Real Life?
Yes, it does.
As I said, we need to give more room for the victim’s perspective, even if you disagree with them.
Otherwise, we go back to the well-intentioned but patronizing attitude of “we know what’s best for you.”
I’m sure that I’m not the only victim who feels that some of our experiences are neither consensual nor non-consensual, but are dubious consent.
Life is rarely black and white. So I find it validating to have a term to express that messiness and ambiguity.
It’s okay if you don’t agree. I just ask that you give victims more space to define their own experience. It’s their story, after all, not anyone else’s.
