Vulnerability Is Scary.

Click here for Part I and Part III

Chills race down your frame. You tense up, because someone asked you a question that makes you feel too vulnerable.

You dodge and hum. You debate with yourself whether to answer it or not. Just because many other people are open about their lives, doesn’t mean you should be, too.

You don’t want to let the public know about your private feelings. What if people laugh? What if they hate me and never want to hear from me again?

But against all your best instincts, you answer them anyway, because you don’t want to back down. And maybe, just maybe, people will ironically like you more after they hear your backstory.

In this landmark psychological research study, strangers asked each other increasingly personal and intimate questions. Scary as this sounds, the participants got to know each other better and felt closer in the end. Some of them even become friends.

There are 36 questions, split up into three parts.

Mary Ann Miranda wrote her responses to these questions in “I Think I Love You Part I,” “Part II,” and “Part III.” You can see my answers to Part I and Part III here.

Here are my answers:

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

There are too many things I want to know, but I’ll share these questions: Do I want to marry? And do I want to have kids?

For the longest time, my answer was no to both. But I have a hard time telling whether I genuinely don’t want to, or because my parents, especially my mom, have pressured me too much into getting married and giving them grandchildren.

I don’t like this pressure. I don’t want to succumb and feel like I’m under their control.

At the same time, I worry that I’m so determined to break free from their grasp, that I’m pushing away something that I would have loved otherwise.

To clarify, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage or kids. But they are huge responsibilities, so I don’t want to jump in if I’m not sure I want them.

It’s confusing for me.

On the one hand, I read touching accounts of happy marriages. Someone understands you deeply. They love you beyond even your personality–if your personality changes over time, they will still love you, because they cherish an indefinable something inside you that will never change.

There is no perfect love, but there is real love, which I learned from Nicole Tarkoff’s article.

“You’re not going to find a love that’s perfect, but you will find a love that scares you. A love that attempts to bring down the walls you’ve tried so hard to keep up, because for reasons you have no certainty of, this person somehow thinks you’re worth it.”

Yes, I would love that very much. I like the idea that you, your partner, and your relationship can be imperfect, but your love is still real and wonderful.

On the other hand, I don’t enjoy the feeling of being trapped under a social script, especially if it seems like I’m bending to my parents’ will. (Yes, we have issues. I won’t go into them.)

Yet, what I find interesting, is when I look at animals, say, a pair of rabbits who are mates and are kept by the same household. The rabbits have both an emotional and physical bond, they are together, but they also have a kind of freedom.

They are mates, but they’re not pressured to be bonded forever. They may still be happy enough to stay with each other as long as they live, assuming their owners keep them in the same home.

But if they want to stay together as mates, they do so out of their own free choice, not out of some social obligation.

That sounds like my ideal. Having an emotional and physical bond with someone. Being together but also free.

Then what about children?

Kids frighten me and having my own would be even worse. Don’t get me wrong. I think children are adorable–but also scary. If my partner fervently wants to have kids, then I could think about it, but otherwise, no.

What I do know for sure, is that I want to adopt a cat when my financial circumstances are better.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

There are too many things, too many regrets that I don’t know where to start.

I’ll talk about something that would be less wounding to admit.

Some years ago, I self-published a science fiction novel. Friends, family, and other people I showed my story to generally liked it. But I wasn’t too happy with the writing or content and wanted to take my book down.

Amazon said no.

Even when I explained that I had changed my name (I’m transgender), Amazon still said no, though they were sympathetic. Their only suggestion was that I republish the book under my current name, which I did.

Nevertheless, I had dreamed of revising this book to my standards and paying for a book cover designer. I made a “second edition” with improved contents, but I’m still not pleased with much of it.

If you think that perfectionism stops me in my tracks, you might be partially right. I can’t bear the thought of letting anyone see subpar work from me. But yes, I know this is an issue I will need to overcome.

As a reader, I have loved many imperfect books. So I understand that it’s okay to publish a flawed book; I don’t need to feel ashamed of it. But still, some part of me just can’t let go.

My dream, if you could call it that, was to publish not just this book, but also the other books in this series and universe. I have another book written in this series, and have finally started doing a rewrite of it.

Sadly, I feel too burnt out by fiction-writing now, so I’m taking a long vacation away from my stories–not including the Pokemon fanfiction I’m secretly writing.

Note from author: Since the end of May 2022 or so, I had gotten back into fiction-writing, by crafting Choose Your Own Adventure Collaborative stories with other authors!

The next thing I’m going to say will sound unbelievable, but I’ve actually finished writing 22 novels in total, each one around 300–400 pages long, with each page about 300 words.

Yet, almost all of these are just rough drafts, and most are part of some incomplete series.

So it looks like I wrote a lot, but I was too intent on finishing my drafts back then, that I didn’t put enough time into doing major revisions. This means not just editing words but also doing grand scale edits to improve the stories.

That’s why I feel skeptical when people say that quantity trumps quality. I used to be hyper-focused on quantity, only to neglect quality and even get burnt out.

Not everyone would go to such an extreme as I did, though.

At the moment, I’m happy to just write nonfiction articles and poems (and my secret Pokemon fanfic–it’s a detective story about finding missing pokemon.)

Do I miss writing my “serious” novels and want to publish them? Whether through indie, traditional, or hybrid routes?

Maybe….but I feel less motivated now, partly because I’ve taken on too many projects that I’m overwhelmed.

And I’ve probably written too much over the past decade, that while I miss my stories and characters, I also feel relieved to take a huge break away from them.

However, when I record my dreams every day, I write them in a format that’s similar to short stories or flash fiction. But would you call dream-journaling fiction or nonfiction?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

I finished writing a fiction series that was 11 books long–in Chinese, my second language.

Each book is around 300 pages with 400 words per page. It’s in the martial arts (Wu Xia) genre, set in ancient China.

Yes, it’s largely unedited, but it was fun and sweet and devastating to write. I’m very fond of this long story.

Not all the loose ends are wrapped up, but I have a sequel series about the children of the main cast.

I miss my characters from both the original and the sequel series. But I just don’t feel ready to return to my fiction just yet.

I’m not sure when my “sabbatical” from fiction-writing will last, either, and I do feel guilty about it.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Having high-quality conversations. Conversations that make you think more deeply, feel more strongly, and be more expressive of those emotions.

I’d like more honesty between us, but I also hope that friends can be honest without being too hurtful. There are kind ways to be truthful, and there are hurtful ways to be truthful.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Another hard question! I can’t decide on my most treasured memory, so I’ll tell you about one memory I cherish.

It was during my second year of undergrad. I was writing a short story about a love triangle between an angel, his charge, and her husband.

When I wrote, I plunged into an altered state of consciousness. I was so immersed in the story, that it felt like I had entered some deeper, more intense reality.

There were some other times I experienced this phenomenon. You could call this flow or being in the zone, though I don’t think these terms can convey the euphoria and wonder I felt.

I had the same vivid experience when I spent five hours drawing a picture, too.

It’s an ecstatic surrender into a higher, creative dreamland.

That day when I finished writing that Chinese 11-book series, I also felt a momentous wonder. Ciara’s version of “Paint It Black” played in my ears as I wandered out of the library that early morning.

Yes, I stayed overnight in the library to complete the last scenes of the book. Those were the days!

I miss those exhilarating days of total creative abandon. Now, as someone in my 30s, I feel the need to be more responsible about my health, which includes not having all-nighters.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

Some of these questions are quite cruel, not gonna lie.

There are many terrible memories in my life, but I’ll talk about this one: The first time I ever had the courage to confess to a crush, he unfriended me and disappeared from my life.

He was a close friend too.

Maybe he freaked out and didn’t want to deal with feelings, and had no courage to just say no. But it felt like he didn’t even care about our friendship.

He could have just told me he was not interested, and we could have carried on being friends.

What followed was the worst emotional pain I had ever endured.

My grief was less about being rejected, and more about having a close friend disappear on me without a trace, with no closure, no answers.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Wow, if so, then I better let my current crush (not the guy in the previous question) know about my feelings.

He might freak out too, but I would still take the risk. I would explain that I’m going to die next year, so I just wanted him to know the truth.

With a burst of bravery, I would ask if he would be interested in being with me, if I weren’t about to die.

He might lie just to spare my feelings. But I could ask him to be honest, that I can take it regardless.

I just didn’t want to die with the regret that I had never told him anything.

Aside from coming clean to my current crush (he is the guy in my poem “My Secret Love for a Boy with a Golden Retriever”), I would generally become franker with people in my life.

No, I wouldn’t be cruel, but I would hold back less, and be more emotionally expressive, because I would have nothing left to lose.

I would be less hesitant to give people constructive critiques, too, within reason, and only if I feel like it would genuinely benefit them.

Who knows? Maybe being more open about my feelings with others would make this the happiest year of my life.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Is this basically a repetition of #16, “What do you value most in a friendship?”

For me, a friendship ideally has both emotional and intellectual sharing. Lots of conversations about the deeper, more meaningful things that we care about, rather than just surface topics such as school and work.

Unless you are passionate about your work and academic subjects, of course. Life is too short to waste on small talk!

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m usually not that demonstrative, though I’m more expressive in writing than in person.

It depends on how close and comfortable I feel with you, too.

But I’m more likely to talk about our shared interests, e.g. the books we love, than to dwell on how I feel about you.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

All right, so just as with my “Part One” of “Feeling Closer to You,” I’ll pretend that my partner is my current crush. What are five things I love about him? He:

• Is a fellow Pokemon fan
• Shares my love for taking Pokemon Go photos
• Is amazing at using words to move and encourage you, both in speech and in writing.
• Is sympathetic and understanding when I open up about my insecurities
• Is diplomatic, considerate, and charming.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

We’re not close and warm, even if my parents tell you otherwise. I have no siblings. And my childhood was sadder than most people’s.

No, it wasn’t all gloom and doom, but it was bad enough. I was constantly bullied and ostracized as a kid. The few friends I had were mostly frenemies.

Classmates would randomly steal my belongings and not always give them back. Two classmates tried to stab me with needles, so I told my mom and she reported them to the principal.

All of this happened long before I discovered I was gay and transgender, so I would have suffered even more if I had known that I was queer and trans.

Given my own background, I could never understand why people see childhood as a golden era they long to go back to.

My childhood was a nightmare that I don’t ever want to return to. I’m glad I’m free of that dark place.

My life may not be perfect now, but it still feels like paradise compared to my past.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Let’s just say the less that is said about my relationship with her, the better.

There you have it. I hope I haven’t scared you off with some of my more emotionally intense responses! I’m not that scary, I promise. Most of the bad stuff is safely tucked away in the past.

How about you? How would you answer these questions?

Here is my Part III.

Originally published in Motivate the Mind on April 4, 2022