Jessica Wildfire wrote an encouraging and uplifting story a while ago.

Many people criticise her for being a “doom and gloom writer.” But have you read Shannon Ashley’s touching defense of her?

Shannon explained that with Jessica’s stories, she leads you through the darkness so that you can see the light. She’s a lot more optimistic than people give her credit for.

Yes, she takes you through some honest, unhappy stories. But after that sadness, you feel lighter and more hopeful. She often gives solutions and suggestions, too.

The encouraging story I read from Jessica, is called “Incels at the End of the World.”

The title does sound bleak; the beginning and even the middle of the essay are dark and grim, too. But you’ll see later why I found her article inspiring regardless.

“Incel” is short for involuntary celibate, a term for the young, cisgender, straight, usually white men who protest that they’re not getting dates and sex from attractive women.

They blame women for dating “alpha male” jerks. Incels feel that they deserve to have sex and romantic relationships with beautiful women, and the society is cruel and oppressive for denying them what they are entitled to have. They believe that attractive women owe them sexual satisfaction.

If you think that sounds messed up and disgusting, you’re not alone. I can’t even believe we’re the same species!

Yet, Jessica Wildfire surprised me. She’s known for being outspoken and unrelenting towards cishet white men and other dominant groups, right?

Yes, but in this case, she was sympathetic. Obviously, it’s bullshit for incels to believe that women owe them sex. Yet, Jessica points out that feelings of loneliness and unrequited love are valid and universal.

Everyone gets rejected by someone they find attractive sometimes. When the one you love doesn’t love you back, it’s natural to feel miserable and frustrated.

We may feel worthless, unattractive, lonely, and hopeless. All these feelings are understandable.

Jessica argues that rich and powerful men like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate, target the young men’s vulnerabilities. They make the lonely men believe that women and feminist movements are the reason why they are deprived of love.

In essence, wealthy men like Peterson and Tate, turn us against each other. Jessica explains that the rich have always used this divide-and-conquer strategy. So, we end up fighting each other, rather than uniting to combat the rich employers’ exploitations, where they give us low wages, overwork, unpaid sick leave, and much more.

“If you’re a billionaire, then it makes perfect sense to take a bunch of angry young men you’ve deprived of healthcare and living wages, then twist their heads around with a bunch of alpha male baloney, and point them in the direction of women who just want the same things they do”

— Jessica Wildfire

So the rich pit us poorer people against each other like we’re dogs in a death match, while making money off of our labour. This sad situation fuels the machinery of capitalism.

The Destructiveness of Capitalism

Our society functions by getting us to produce as much as we can, without regard for our health and well-being. The only exception is when our health affects our productivity. Then, employers want us to get well as soon as possible, so that we can get back to work as an efficient cog in their machine.

Working so hard for someone else, just to get shit wages that hardly pay for your rent and food.

We’re taught to blame ourselves for not trying hard enough, without realizing how rigged the games are against most of us. Instead of fighting for safer work conditions, higher wages, and more reasonable hours, we blame ourselves and our neighbors for being weak and lazy.

Consumerism exacerbates this. Commercials tell us that we lack things, and stoke our desires to buy them. They sell us promises that their products will make us attractive to potential mates, gain an edge over our classmates, win us a prestigious career, enhance our intelligence, end all of our pain, misery, and loneliness, and more.

So we bust our asses at work, trying to make money to buy things we don’t actually need or want. Like fancy sports cars, expensive clothes, overpriced training courses, “miracle” supplements, and other enticements.

A Solution?

Jessica proposes a way out of this mess. One simple strategy to stop the cycle of capitalism, is to learn that it’s okay to want things and not get them. We learn to say, “What a shame! But it’s too bad.” and move on.

Everyone gets rejected, everyone endures unrequited love no matter how attractive they are, everyone suffers from something or another.

She’s not saying you should give up entirely on your aspirations. She would be the last person to tell us to stop fighting. Yet, there are some things that are simply unattainable, and you need to accept it.

Or, there are some things you realize later that you don’t want that much.

Maybe you want a big house, but you came to accept that you can’t afford one. At least not anytime soon in this harsh economy, where even a basement studio has a forbidding rent.

Likewise, you accept that your attractive crush doesn’t like you back. It’s okay to feel sad and to see that you can’t always have what or who you want. It doesn’t make you weak, pathetic, or unattractive. Unfulfilled desires happen to everyone.

Inspirations for My Life

Jessica’s advice is greatly applicable to my own life. Lately, I’ve been feeling more at peace. I’ve stopped hating myself for not moving fast enough, or for not achieving my often unrealistic goals.

It’s okay to move slowly. It’s fine to not get what you want, at least not right now. It’s also more than fine to let go of goals that are clearly unattainable.

It’s all right as well if you find that your desires and interests have changed over time. What you used to crave so much, has become a whisper of a memory that you no longer want.

Stunning But Encouraging Stories About Rejection

I recently read an article by Zulie Rane, who wrote about a boy she loved but who didn’t love her back.

That astounded me. As many of you know, Zulie is a beautiful, compassionate, and highly accomplished person. If even she can get rejected, then anyone can. But now she’s happily married and engaged in a successful career that she loves.

Similarly, I have a former classmate in my counseling psychology program, who is one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever met. Let’s call her Irene. She is also very smart, fun, and kind.

Yet, after graduation, Irene kept applying for jobs and either didn’t hear back, or got rejected, not even getting an interview. So she gave up and started a private practice instead. And now she enjoys being her own boss; she loves the independence.

In romance, she used to be in an unhappy relationship where her boyfriend cheated on her and left her traumatized. But now, she’s in a fulfilling relationship with a guy who loves and treasures her. I just saw Irene post a picture where she sits happily beside her partner.

So rejection from significant others, crushes, or employers, can happen to anyone, regardless of how conventionally attractive or intelligent you are.

But life doesn’t have to end there. Things can always turn out for the better. Joyful, even miraculous things can happen.

Irene has inspired me, too. For years, I despaired of ever finding a job because I had such intense job search phobia, including some debilitating health issues.

But Irene made me realize that there was a way out, which was to become a private practitioner in psychotherapy, and essentially be self-employed.

It was still scary to set up my own business, but my anxiety was much lower with self-employment than with traditional job applications. After a year of perseverance, I finally set up my private practice and started seeing my first client. Over these six months, I’ve been slowly growing my client base, and increasing in my confidence and sense of self-worth.

Final Thoughts

Contrary to what people may tell you, you don’t just work hard for what you want and then get it. Much of the path to success, paradoxically involves letting go of things that are unrealistic, unachievable, and frankly unwise and self-destructive.

It’s the balance between working steadily (not at a self-destructive speed) toward your goals, and learning to let go of things when they’re not attainable. Or be willing to wait for things that are achievable but are difficult. Or be okay with changing direction entirely, because your interests have changed, or you realize that another path is better.

This attractive person may not be interested in you, but another might. There’s no forcing it. This dream job may not pan out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a different dream job.

Maybe you have trouble reaching your goal through traditional means, but you find your way through an unconventional path. Like how I gave up on the traditional job hunt, and went into self-employment instead.

How About You?

Do you agree with Jessica Wildfire that it’s okay to have desires that are unfulfilled? And do you also feel that we can work slowly but surely towards achievable goals, while learning to let go of our unattainable ones?

If you love reading about social justice, culture, LGBTQ+ issues, and psychology, consider subscribing to my newsletter!

Originally published in Change Becomes You on April 20, 2023