By Sieran Lane in Social media — Aug 15, 2024

The Danger of 'Tit for Tat' in Social Media Engagement

But there’s a right way to do it

Photo of author's cat. Taken by author.

“If I don’t engage with other people’s stories, no one will read mine. So I must suck and it’s so demoralizing!” a writer lamented.

While I sympathized with her, I also felt frustrated.

We don’t get something without working for it. This includes posting your stories and expecting readers to flock to you with no effort on your part.

It’s sounds awfully naive to me. And it’s not personal. It’s just the way the world works. You get nothing for free.

If you’re already a superstar who gets loads of traffic, like Margaret Atwood or James Clear, then no, you won’t have to engage or network as much as most of us do to find readers.

If you’re fortunate enough to have your story be boosted, featured in the staff picks or editors’ picks, that would give you a lift, too.

It’s exhilarating when droves of readers comment on your article without you working to find them.

However, getting boosted, and being featured in staff or editor picks, are unreliable. It’s amazing when it happens, but don’t count on it happening every time.

“Just build an email list!” some of you holler.

In principle, I agree with you, but unless you pay for subscribers like you can do on Convertkit, you still need to do the legwork of finding readers in the first place. Whether through Medium, Substack, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, or elsewhere.

Some people will then say, “But I work a demanding full time job, am a single parent of young children, and have many health issues. I don’t have time to engage with other people!”

I hate to say this, but social media algorithms do not care how busy or stressed you are in your life outside of the platform. It’s like having a boss who doesn’t give you any paid sick leave.

Or, if you are self-employed or freelancing, you literally get no sick leave, because no matter how much your clients love you, they won’t pay you if you’re not working for them.

Is this unfair? Perhaps. Should we all at least have adequate food, shelter, and medical care? Of course.

But we unfortunately don’t live in such a utopia, so we can only do our best in our flawed world.

When we are so insanely busy and tired, that we have little to no time to comment on other people’s posts, then we have 2 options:

Be kind to ourselves and accept our limits. Make peace with the fact that we can’t do that much, and therefore can’t expect much readership, either.
Find a way to do more engagement anyway, without burning out. This could involve cutting out some things in your life, learning to squeeze in bits of engagement whenever you can, learning to engage more strategically, etc.

Let’s assume we choose the second option.

Now I’ll dive into the idea of reciprocity, since it’s such an emotionally charged issue.

The controversy of “read for read”

Lots of people will think, “But we don’t want a tit for tat! Read-for-read is bad!”

The irony is that people who say this, are unlikely to want nothing in return for engaging with others.

It’s counterproductive to think that we should all be so selfless and pure hearted, that we would never dream of wanting any benefits.

This shames people for rightfully desiring some compensation for their work, whether that means money, reader attention, or something else.

Plus, this encourages us people-pleasers to keep working for little gain. So we get the gold star of being the “altruist,” while we burn out and get resentful because of how little we get back.

It’s much healthier and more fruitful to normalize wanting things in return.

Nevertheless, there are nuances when it comes to reciprocity.

While no one truly wants nothing for their efforts, most people are uncomfortable with calculating exactly how much they give and receive.

That would feel too transactional, like inserting coins into a vending machine and always expecting your soda pop to fall out.

Instead, most people want to think of the balance in vaguer terms. They want a general sense that they get back what they put in.

So in social media terms, it’s depressing to think, “I commented on 10 of my friend’s posts, but they only commented on 2 of mine. I’m so angry!”

You will only be miserable if you keep such a close tally. Remember that though it’s valid to wish for some support from your friend, they do not owe you anything.

If you’re unhappy because you feel like you put more effort into engaging with their posts than they do with yours, you can either:

Accept that this is your dynamic.

Maybe your friend has a more hectic life than yours. Perhaps they have health issues that you don’t have. They might have a much bigger social network than you, and have a greater number of people to support.

Or maybe they’re not as enthusiastic about your writing, whether it’s because they’re not into your topics, or because your writing is not to their taste. It’s nothing personal and this happens to everyone. It doesn’t mean they hate you.

2. Engage less with their posts

If you’re miserable and unable to accept your unequal levels of engagement, you can always engage less with their posts.

To be clear, this is not about being petty or calculating. This is about readjusting expectations. Just as your friend owes you nothing, you don’t owe your friend anything, either.

In fact, your friend probably never asked you to comment so much on their posts, even if they’re grateful for your support.

Some friends may feel guilty that you do so much for them, while they haven’t done as much for you.

So they may be secretly relieved when you pull back some of your attention. Since this eases their guilt of not “paying you back” as much as they would like.

Your readership crashes when you stop your engagement

Many people who used to engage a ton in the past, told me they have way less reader engagement now, ever since they had to cut their time on the platform.

It could be due to health issues, a more packed life schedule, changing priorities, or something else.

I feel for these folks, because I’m in the same boat.

Back when I was unemployed, I could afford to write thoughtful comments on 60+ stories a week on Medium.

But now, I have a part time job as a therapist, I’m building a side hustle as a fiction book coach, and also need to engage on Twitter and LinkedIn, two platforms I’ve started on.

Not to mention the Convertkit newsletter I have to write.

So my fervent commenting days are over. I try my best to do more, but I can’t go back to my unemployed days where I had much more free time to comment.

Then what do we do when our audience response is substantially less than before? Do we give up?

No. Again, we have 2 choices:

Accept that we can’t engage as much as we used to, and therefore will have a lower readership. Make peace with this reality.
Find a way to increase your engagement again. It might not be as high as it used to be, but aim for higher than it is now. Make time to engage more. Prioritize it so that you don’t get distracted by the gazillion other life demands. Cut out some tasks and distractions from your life so that you have more time in the first place.

Now let’s talk about the odd emotions and perceptions that can come up when engaging on social media platforms.

Cynical attitudes about “getting attention”

A guy I know, Larry, thinks it’s dumb how everyone posts their “wisdom bombs” on a large influencer’s post.

He thinks they’re all clamouring for attention and saying these things for the sake of it.

Ha. I told him he was being cynical.

If you post because you want attention without actually enjoying the post, of course it will feel stupid, like a fake performance.

However, if you post your thoughts because you genuinely like the topic and want to share your ideas and experiences, that feels much better.

It’s a cardinal rule of social media engagement: Only engage if you genuinely enjoy the post.

Don’t engage out of obligation, guilt, or like it’s some grudging chore to get the audience views you want.

For clarity, even if this writer has a massive following, is a well respected writer, is your friend, or is someone who has helped you a lot, does not mean you will be interested in this particular post.

Even writers you normally love don’t always write something you enjoy. And just because you like someone as a person, doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read something you dislike out of “kindness.”

It is not a kindness to feign interest, and will only breed bitterness and resentment, because you feel pushed to do something you hate.

You were the person who gave yourself that hateful task, though. The writer didn’t ask you to. You are free to read a different story from them, or just read from another writer altogether. No hard feelings.

The sooner we move into a culture where we prioritize doing what we truly like, and ignore things we dislike, the better.

Your friend only engages with you if you engage with them

It’s so easy to slip into this negativity.

I’d be lying if I said that this thought never crossed my mind.

Some friends will comment on my stories shortly after I comment on theirs.

There were times in the past when I was pessimistic and thought, “They only comment on my story when I comment on theirs.”

But later, I realize this is a mindset problem.

You can think in such cynical terms, or you can think, “That’s so nice of them that they took the time to give me feedback as well, especially as they had no obligation to do so.

“Moreover, they are so popular and have tons of friends already. So it means a lot that they still made time for me.”

You could say their popularity was partly because they were so proactive in reciprocating engagement.

After all, if people feel rewarded (getting engagement when they engage), they’re more likely to do it again in the future.

Your friend has every right to not engage with you, but they still chose to give you thoughtful feedback on your story anyway.

That said, it may feel less tit for tat if we reciprocate much later rather than shortly after.

For instance, engaging with their stories days or even weeks after, rather than reciprocating on the following day.

Regardless, I’d think most people wouldn’t truly complain about getting a kind comment from a reader.

So my advice would be to view it in a more appreciative, positive lens, rather than a more cynical and negative lense.

Here’s another common related problem:

This reader used to comment on all my stories, but now they never visit anymore

Ha, I’m guilty of being this reader, and have also been on the receiving end.

It can hurt. Someone who seemed to be such a dedicated, enthusiastic fan, suddenly disappears into the ether.

Of course, most of the time, it has nothing to do with you personally, and it’s not because they don’t like your writing anymore, either.

We need to remember that readers, like all human beings, have limited time. If they commented on everything you wrote, consider it a big compliment. They chose to comment on your work rather than the gazillion other stories they could have engaged with.

But realistically, it’s not reasonable to expect anyone to maintain such high and consistent engagement forever.

Just cherish it when you have it, and let them go when they’re gone. They might come back, though probably not to their original, frenzied enthusiasm.

It’s just the nature of human relationships. After the honeymoon phase, it calms down.

But that’s okay. Instead of seeing this as a sad loss, just see it as a natural cycle of change. It has nothing to do with you.

And it’s more sustainable, too.

None of us would be able to do anything if we maintained high engagement with more and more writers. We eventually need to let go. People also move on, and their interests may change.

Or, their interests may cycle.

For instance, while I love reading LGBTQ+ stuff in general, sometimes I don’t want to read about something so close to my life. So I read something more detached from me.

There were also some writers I was so thrilled with at first. Their ideas were so exciting and new to me.

But over time, I got bored because they seemed to say the same thing, though with different frames.

To be clear, this isn’t a criticism of the writer. It’s natural to keep circling back to some core themes, ideas, and beliefs. When we no longer learn anything new from a teacher, it’s normal to want to move on to another.

It doesn’t mean you don’t cherish this former teacher any less. It certainly doesn’t mean you hate them or their writing.

You have simply stepped into a new stage of life, and that’s okay.

One thing to keep in mind, is that though you can “lose” regular readers, you will always gain new readers, and have new regulars.

I’m a sentimental person who gets attached to people. So of course I can miss them or feel nostalgic for those good old days when you talked more.

But we don’t have to cling so much onto old fans. There will always be new fans. Again, your old fans can always come back, even if just occasionally.

You can still treasure these memories, and they probably do too. If you have a way to contact them, you can always message or email them just to chat again.