By Sieran Lane in Fiction — Jan 17, 2024

Tentative Steps

Ada was truly curious, even excited, at the thought that Emmett’s friends might see her as a man rather than as a woman.

AI image generated by author via Nightcafe

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Ada knocked softly on her best friend’s door.

Jasmine opened it in an instant. Her eyes were wide, but then they narrowed. “What took you and Emmett so long?” She peered out with suspicion, but her brother had already retreated back to his quarters.

Despite everything, Ada couldn’t help but smile. “Jasmine, there’s no need to worry. We were not speaking of anything scandalous.” Though it might feel scandalous to some people.

Jasmine shot her a sour look. “All right, keep it a secret if you wish.”

Ada shook her head with a sigh. She peered at the plum-colored bedding behind her friend. Her room was decorated like that of a typical princess, but Jasmine wasn’t like a typical princess. Ada breathed out. “I can tell you something. Emmett invited me to meet his friends — while I’m dressed as Ivan.”

Jasmine gawked with startlement. “Truly? He hardly wants me to meet his friends.” She looked surprisingly hurt.

Ada glanced down at the ground. “It’s…well, perhaps he was up to naughty deeds with his chums that he didn’t want his sister to find out?”

Jasmine huffed out a laugh. “Emmett is a little stuffy, so I doubt he would be up to anything ‘naughty,’ at least not my idea of it.”

“But does it disturb you that I accepted his invitation?” Ada asked frankly.

Her best friend gave her a mournful look, her lips in a moue. “He invited you but not me.”

Ada’s heart curdled with discomfort. “Jasmine, I — ”

Jasmine held up her hand. “No, I don’t want to be pitied. If anything, he would probably enjoy your company, even if you don’t feel the same about him.”

Ada’s spirits sank a bit. It wasn’t as though the thought hadn’t occurred to her, and she could empathize. Even when she knew that her love was hopeless, that didn’t stop her from wanting to spend more time with Jasmine. Yet, Ada was truly curious, even excited, at the thought that Emmett’s friends might see her as a man rather than as a woman.

Jasmine’s gaze stayed on Ada’s face. “So, did you want to change back into women’s clothes at all, or would you rather not?”

A silence stretched between them. Ada said, “I admit that I have no wish to change back.”

After another moment of silence, Jasmine gave her a sombre nod. “Okay. Do you want me to lend you more men’s clothes around my size?”

Ada let out a huge sigh of relief. She knew that her best friend was caring and open-minded, but a part of her was scared that Jasmine would insist on her wearing feminine clothing. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her friend’s offer, too.

“Thank you, so very much,” Ada said.

***

Ada thought she had to go home first, to at least tell her aunt and uncle about her plans. To her surprise, Emmett said, “I wouldn’t go to them if I were you. They don’t…have your best interests in mind. With me, you won’t want for anything.”

Ada gaped, and then said, “But I don’t want to over-rely on you.”

He shook his head, his lush brown hair shining in the candle light. “There’s nothing to worry about. It will be easy and fun.”

Ada thought about what Jasmine said, that Emmett simply wanted to spend more time with her. It wracked Ada with guilt. But even in the midst of that discomfiture, she still much preferred Emmett’s company to her guardians’. She didn’t want to be indebted to him, yet…

Emmett cast a warm look at her. “Are you worried about what your guardians would say if you didn’t come home for a long time? We could just have a short trip, then.”

Ada sighed. It wasn’t as though she enjoyed living with her relatives, but it was better than being homeless. While Emmett and Jasmine had been kind, and never complained when Ada stayed over at their mansion, of course that couldn’t be a permanent solution.

She replied, “They will be angry regardless, but yes, let’s not make this any longer than a day’s trip. And I do have enough money to pay for one day!” As long as they didn’t go to expensive restaurants.

Thankfully, Emmett accepted that and didn’t argue.

***

The next day, Ada (Ivan) was tucked into the carriage with Emmett. They leaned in and spoke in hushed tones, like two schoolboys comparing notes for an examination. Despite everything, Ivan was happy.

He might have to worry about his guardians’ reactions when he returned home, but for now, he could become somebody else, and escape his confining role. He thought with a pang how Jasmine had looked when they left, however. She supported Ivan, but she was still miffed that her brother hadn’t invited her.

Ivan had told her that he could ask Emmett to invite his sister too. But Jasmine just scoffed and said she would be fine. It was odd how generous Jasmine and Emmett were to Ivan, but sometimes the siblings would have these petty spats.

Emmett murmured, “Again, your name is Ivan Hayes. Your family brought you here from the country, so that you could take on an apprenticeship as a clerk.”

“Why does it have to be a clerk?” Ivan interrupted.

Emmett shrugged. “It’s not very exciting, but it is nondescript and avoids drawing too much attention to you, which is what you desire, is it not?”

Ivan stared out the window at the rolling green fields. “I’m torn about this. A part of me just wants to blend in and be safe. Another part of me wants to…make something of myself.”

Emmett nodded softly. “That sounds like a different conversation. In that case, you could also say that your family wants a stable career for you, but you find it tedious and yearn for something more fulfilling.”

Ivan was silent for a while, and gazed at Emmett’s handsome profile as he looked thoughtfully into the distance. He asked, “Emmett, what about you?”

The other man turned around and smiled. “Hmm? My career, if you could call it that, isn’t very thrilling, either.”

It was an uncomfortable moment and Ivan was loath to offend him. They had never spoken seriously about Emmett’s “career” before. So Ivan inquired, “If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?”

Emmett sighed and rested his chin on his palm. “I wish we could truly do whatever we wanted, but unfortunately, I can’t just abscond from my responsibilities. And even if our parents were willing, I doubt that Jasmine would enjoy the job.” His tone was uncharacteristically bitter.

Now Ivan couldn’t resist asking, “But why not? If I can leave my life as a woman behind, even for a day or two, to try on the life of a man, then why must you be stuck with the duty of managing the land?”

Emmett avoided his eyes. “It would be pleasant to take trips away from the estate, but since our parents are usually gone somewhere else, and you know how often Jasmine travels, well, I can’t be absent for too long.”

A profound sadness settled into Ivan’s bones. He suddenly wanted to hug Emmett, but he didn’t.

The two were silent for a while, until Emmett announced, “We’re here.”

When he hopped off the carriage, he stretched out a hand as if to help Ivan down. But he withdrew his hand again, as if remembering that Ivan was a lad, not a lady. Ivan appreciated this small gesture, regardless.

The gentlemen’s shoes rapped on the cobbled stones of the street. Ivan was astonished that they were on a plain street, rather than in the beautiful suburbs that he would expect Emmett’s friends to be.

After a while of weaving through some busy streets, Emmett abruptly turned into an alleyway.

Ivan hung back, gripped by a primal panic.

Emmett twisted around and gave him a reassuring smile. “Ivan, it’s safe. I promise.”

Ivan’s desire to trust Emmett, warred with his family’s teachings not to enter dark and deserted places such as alleyways, especially not with a man. Yet, Ivan was not a woman, and Emmett wasn’t that kind of man.

He took in a deep breath, striding into the gloom of the alley, and hoped he was right.