Our Society Is Too Obsessed with Being Strong
What's wrong with being weak?
Do you have the foggiest idea what being a “strong person” means?
Years ago, my therapist told me that I was a strong person.
But I had no clue what he meant. I should have asked him to elaborate.
It wasn’t just about me, though. Often, I would hear someone call a person “strong.” But I wasn’t sure what they were referring to.
Out of curiosity, I checked Quora and Reddit for answers. Most people agreed that personal strength included these things:
- Not giving up no matter how many setbacks you face.
- Having strong principles, not compromising on your values just to please people.
- Standing up for what you believe in. Sometimes being outspoken about your views as well.
- Willing to take the hard road, rather than taking the easy way out.
Some folks disagreed on whether a strong person should be able to cry in front of others. Or whether they should accept and process their feelings, rather than suppressing them.
Another intriguing topic, was when a woman, especially a woman of color, was told that she was strong.
Some women who got such compliments, felt that they were strong out of necessity to survive. They didn’t choose the hard road on purpose.
That reminds me of how some cis allies call a trans person strong.
A trans comedian joked, “Yeah I’m so strong that I chose to live rather than to commit suicide!”
For real. Maybe to outsiders, what we have to cope with sounds incredible and overwhelming. It is. But we have to do what we can to get by in life.
When a cis coworker told me I was strong, I also replied that I did this all out of necessity.
His response was interesting. He said that he knew a trans friend who wasn’t so strong, as they were afraid to come out of the closet and be themselves.
Um…I don’t know the other trans person, but that doesn’t have anything to do with strength. Some trans folks are in very conservative environments where it’s unsafe for them to come out. I’m very lucky that I work in progressive places.
But all this talk about strength makes me wonder what weakness would mean. Here’s my guess:
- Being an extreme people pleaser, easily influenced by others
- Always choosing the easy path, because they’re too scared to take the hard road.
- Giving up after the smallest setback, and not trying again. Or trying something else, and giving up again at the first obstacle they encounter.
- Too afraid of conflict to stand up for what they believe in.
I don’t know about you, but the above sounds awfully familiar. Many people would be considered weak. I’m quite weak myself.
So am I strong or weak? Or am I both?
In Praise of Weakness
Another curious thing I’ve heard, is that weakness is not always a bad thing.
In some parts of Chinese culture, weakness is a strength, as paradoxical as that sounds.
Being weak, suggests being flexible, being okay with taking losses, or letting the other person win.
You might have heard of the chess move where you deliberately lose pieces to your opponent, which then helps you secure victory.
There’s the idea that if you’re like a soft, bendy plant, you will survive in a storm. If you’re tough like a tree trunk, you’ll be ripped apart and collapse.
Let’s avoid being too literal with this metaphor, as I’m aware that storms could devastate both the soft and hard plants.
Aside from being weak and soft in order to win, however, weakness could be seen as a sort of charm and beauty.
I’ll bite the bullet and say that there are misogynistic undertones to this.
The Virtuous Chinese Woman
In traditional Chinese culture, it’s a virtue for a woman to be soft and yielding, endlessly sweet, kind, and accommodating…
That sounds like a surefire road to having no boundaries or self-esteem.
A popular novel set in the Qing Dynasty, Huan Zhu Ge Ge (“Princess Returning Pearl”), vividly shows this.
One of the main characters is Zi Wei, an illegitimate daughter of the emperor. During one episode, her dad has a flirtation with a prostitute, Xia Ying Ying — who is around Zi Wei’s age, by the way.
The emperor saw Xia Ying Ying as a reincarnation of Xia Yu He, Zi Wei’s deceased mother.
At one point, Zi Wei tells Xia Ying Ying, “You’re not like my mother at all. You’re strong. She was weak.”
Oddly enough, Zi Wei sounded like she was praising her mother, and proud of her weakness.
Even Zi Wei herself is known as a “weak” girl. She’s beautiful, poetic, musical, fabulous at chess, and also tender-hearted and kind.
Maybe that’s not your definition of “weak.” But her soft, gentle, and unassuming nature is seen as the height of virtue.
Back when I was read as a Chinese woman, I rebelled against this idea of “virtue.” But despite my resistance, I can see some of these teachings in me.
As terrible as it may sound, a part of me even relishes being “weak” while everyone else is busy being strong.
It looks especially impressive now that I’m read as male and expected to be “strong” by default. (Boo to this sexist stereotype, too.)
But if we think from a less gendered perspective, weak vs strong is like Yin and Yang. Yin is weak, soft, and at times devious. Yang is strong, bold, but sometimes inflexible and stubborn.
So rather than seeing one as better than the other, they are like complements. You need a balance of both to be a well-rounded human being.
What do you think? Do you agree with the definitions of strength and weakness above? What are your thoughts on the more positive ideas of weakness in Chinese culture?
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