My Humiliation in Speed Dating

I’m 32 now, but I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. There are many reasons why, but one could be because of my speed dating experience.

Already I feel judged for this. Speed dating is only for the desperate, right? Yet, I wasn’t desperate. In fact, I was quite hopeful and optimistic at the time, like there were tons of possibilities for me to explore.

It was during my undergrad that I saw an ad for a speed dating event. A psychology professor, Dr Lydon, specialized in interpersonal relationships, and he created this event for his research study. Participants would be compensated for their time.

I thought it would be exciting to try it and to earn a bit of money at the same time.

The Thrill of Speed Dating

For those who have never done it before, speed dating involves the women moving from table to table while the men sit still. Or vice versa. You get to talk for about 10 minutes. Yes, this was a heterosexual event, and I believed I was a cisgender-heterosexual woman back then.

After you chat with the other person, you fill in this survey. One question asked you how compatible you felt with the other person. There were diagrams of overlapping circles you can select, to show how much you thought they meshed with you. The diagrams ranged from circles that weren’t touching at all, circles that overlapped a little, circles that overlapped more, all the way to circles that were right on top of each other.

Lastly, they ask you whether you would like to see this person again. If you both say yes, the researchers will give you their contact information.

Before we started the speed dating game, I chatted with a friendly woman. We were both excited and bubbly. She thought this whole speed dating thing was cool; we would be charming, have fun, and we could say yes to a load of guys and see how many matches we got.

I agreed with her. Dating, especially speed dating, was daunting, since I had zero experience with either. But I was glad to talk with someone so friendly, and yeah, why not have fun and write down yeses to as many guys as possible?

During my chats with the men, I cared a lot about their majors. It was a stereotypical question, but we would ask what the other person was studying. I was especially interested in philosophy and English majors. (I was a double major in psychology and English lit.) I also recall this guy in physics who, despite sounding like an intelligent bloke, was brusque and rubbed me the wrong way, so I said no to him.

There were a few other boys I didn’t feel that good with, not because they were jerks, but because our interaction felt awkward, they seemed reserved, they didn’t smile, or some other reason.

And guess what? I bumped into a male friend. Of course, I was giddy and we chatted a lot. We joked, “I would love to get your number, except I already have your number.”

Yet…I was foolish and naive. I had trouble telling the difference between friendship fondness and romantic love. So I marked down a yes to wanting to see my friend afterwards.

My Crash After the Speed Dating Event

Days after the speed dating game ended, I ran into my male friend again. Let’s call him Ryan. We talked in our usual vivacious manner. He then wanted to sing this new pop song: Mike Posner’s “Cooler Than Me.”

“If I could write you a song and make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arm!”

Um, what on earth was I supposed to think?

Shortly after, I got the email back from the speed dating research study. They explained their aims, findings, and other points. But the only thing I can remember from that email was the number of guys who said yes to me: 0.

Ouch. That was incredibly humiliating, considering that I said yes to almost all of the guys.

Of course, that led me down a rabbit hole. Did the men think I looked too young that they couldn’t take me seriously? Many people say I look underage, like a little kid. Or maybe I seemed too flighty and frivolous, or some other unpleasant thing. It hurt that my friend said no to me, too.

It hurt even more when, some time later, I saw Ryan hand-in-hand with a girl, and they looked happy.

Aside from my friend, I only ran into one other guy from the speed dating event. We were at our university library. He gave me a friendly wave and I waved back. What’s more, he was one of the few guys I said no to.

Of course, I couldn’t help but wonder if he also said no. He probably did. But I guess it didn’t matter anymore. I don’t even recall why I declined. Was it because he was in engineering and I didn’t like engineers? Who knows.

A year later, I saw Ryan again. But I was shocked. He had gained a ton of weight. He was still fun to talk to and all, but…

A secret part of me was glad that, even though I got 0 dates and my friend had a happy date, he got a lot fatter.

Yes, I was being petty and immature. Especially as I wasn’t thin, either.

Eye-Opening Reflections

In the last year of my undergrad, I took the Interpersonal Relationships course by Dr Lydon, the professor who organized the speed dating event.

Dr Lydon had a module on speed dating. He told us that people won’t like you if you seem to like everyone, because you don’t find them special. Maybe that was a reason why I got no matches. None of the guys thought I had any special interest in them, and maybe they were right. I was judging them partly based on their majors, for goodness sake.

He also said that men put down yeses a lot more than women did. Well, I put down yes to almost everybody. But I now know I’m not a woman. I’m a nonbinary person — my identity is close to trans male. And I did get subtly influenced by the girl I spoke with at the beginning, where she thought it was a good idea to say yes to most guys, to see how many say yes back.

From a book I read in the course, I also learned the speed dating tip to relax and see how you feel in your interaction with the person, rather than asking them canned questions (and treating this like an investigation). I should have done that, but it was too late for regrets.

Years later, Ryan saw that Dr Lydon had posted a YouTube video of the speed dating event. He shared this video in a Facebook post, and tagged me, since I appeared in the clip, too.

Gosh, I hated it. I disliked having to face my humiliation again. Before he shared that video, Ryan was the only person in my life who knew that I had gone speed dating. And before I wrote up this article, my former therapist was the only one who knew that I had 0 matches. Yes, my ego was too bruised for me to tell even Ryan what happened.

Instead, I told him that it was creepy to match up with strangers. I was pretty close-minded back then, wasn’t I? But I would do anything to defend my pride. My friend made a doubtful face, and said something about meeting this girl…

I didn’t want to hear any more. While I didn’t harbor actual romantic feelings for my friend, I felt territorial anyway. I did feel territorial over some male friends, even if I wasn’t attracted to them.

Aftermath and Final Thoughts

Now, it feels strange when friends tell me that I’m beautiful inside and out, and that any guy would be lucky to have me. That’s very kind of them to say. But they are my friends, so they must be biased. It’s hard to believe them when I got a whopping 0 matches.

Of course, I know there were other factors at play. But on an emotional level, this feels like a scar. Maybe I’m too prideful, and I hate feeling like the “loser” in this game. So I would rather sit out this stupid game, and preserve my dignity.

What’s more, a couple of months ago, I confessed to a friend I had a crush on for four years.

And he told me he was straight.

Wow. Maybe I just have rotten luck. I don’t feel attractive at all, though I know that relationships have less to do with attractiveness, and more to do with circumstances and luck.

Not saying that work, effort, and personality don’t matter, but it feels like you have to win many lucky draws before you can begin anything. It feels like so much effort for so little reward.

All that said, I know I’m being too pessimistic. The main reason why I have never had a partner in my life is because I’m not sure I want one, and so I hardly did anything to reach out to people. I only fooled around on Grindr and Scruff, two popular gay dating apps, though they were more like hookup apps.

While I made a few friends from the apps, none of the friendships lasted, sadly. I fell in love with a couple of people, confessed to them, and got turned down by both. It’s too bad. Now after discovering that my crush of four years is actually straight, I lost all desire to find a partner.

Okay, that isn’t completely true. Occasionally, I feel twinges of desire. But most of the time, I feel perfectly fine and comfortable being single. I don’t feel lonely, since I have great friends who keep me company.

The speed dating fiasco must have left a deep mark on my soul. But after writing this article, I feel more forgiving and understanding towards myself. And perhaps we all need more time to recover and figure our feelings out.

Over to You

Have you ever tried speed dating before? How was it like for you? And what was your reaction when I revealed that I had 0 matches?

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Originally published in The Narrative Arc on Oct 31, 2023