By Sieran Lane in Relationships — Aug 1, 2024

My Friend Cheated Me Out of $400

I was so stupid and naive

AI image generated by author via Nightcafe

Do you struggle to set boundaries with friends?

Do you have trouble recognizing that you’re being treated unfairly, whether the other person “intended it” or not?

I’ve always had this problem and still do. It takes me a long time, as well as asking for other people’s opinions, before I can see that anything is wrong.

Back in university, I had a close friend, Thelma (not her real name). At the time, she still owed me $10+ CAD for the karaoke we went to.

It so happened that I wanted to watch a movie with another friend. Thelma generously offered to let me use her SCENE card, so I could have a member’s discount on the ticket. I was grateful and did so.

But I saw that she had earned a free ticket from watching fifteen movies. The app wouldn’t let me buy a separate ticket; I had to take the free one.

In my mind, this was fine because she still owed me the karaoke money, and she often took ages to pay me back, if she even remembered. Plus, I had a hard time asking her about money she owed me, as it seemed so crude to bring it up. The free ticket was also $10+ CAD, as it was Tuesday, the movie discount day.

But after I watched the film and told Thelma that I used her free ticket to pay off her karaoke fee, she became very upset, “I was planning to use that ticket to watch a movie with my family!”

At first, I felt defensive. She often forgot to pay me back for things, so this wasn’t such a big deal in comparison. But a second later, I thought I was being a jerk, since it wasn’t just the price of the ticket. There was the emotional side of earning a free movie after watching fifteen.

What’s more, Thelma was about to graduate and leave Montreal to go back to Toronto. I was staying an extra year so I would still be in Montreal for a while. I didn’t want us to end on a sour note.

Thus, I offered to compensate her.

I don’t recall how much I offered, but Thelma said that amount wasn’t enough to fill her emotional “void.” Eventually, I offered her $400 CAD, which she at last accepted. She smiled and added that I was a great friend.

Honestly, I didn’t know how I had so much money lying around, though it did clean out the bulk of my savings. It hurt but I believed I deserved this punishment.

Uneasy Thoughts

During the months after, I felt uncomfortable about the whole affair. I kept telling myself that it was too bad. I should have known better than to “steal” my friend’s free movie, which was a bigger deal than her little karaoke bill.

Regardless, I resolved at the time to tell no one about this, as I didn’t want anybody to think poorly of her. But eventually, I couldn’t resist telling a close friend, let’s call him Hamish. I refrained from mentioning any names, though.

He was shocked at my story, and then he asked, “Was this Thelma?”

With my heart pounding, I lied, “No, it was someone else.” I hated fibbing but I could see no way around it. Yet, it stunned me how Hamish could guess so easily. Looking back now, that should have sounded an alarm bell when even Hamish could automatically think of Thelma when I described this incident.

Sometime later, I couldn’t resist telling another close friend, Laticia, because this matter was weighing on me so much.

Though Laticia knew Thelma, they were acquaintances who rarely saw each other, so that would be better than telling someone who was closer to Thelma. And I was desperate to tell someone who it was.

When Laticia heard my story, she exclaimed, “Wow! Thelma’s parents would be very disappointed in her if they found out what she did.”

It was comforting to hear that both Hamish and Laticia thought that $400 was too harsh a punishment for taking a free movie ticket. Especially since watching fifteen movies would cost nowhere near $400.

Years later, the third and last person I told, was my therapist. He and I didn’t get along well, even though he was a fellow gay trans person. But in this case, he agreed with Laticia and Hamish.

I said, “I guess $400 was too much.”

“I think even $20 would be too much,” my therapist replied.

It dawned on me then just how foolish I was. I had been so desperate to keep the harmony in our friendship, that I would give away $400.

I didn’t realize how problematic it was for Thelma to be okay taking that load of money from me. She probably thought I was rich, but even if I were, that doesn’t justify her behavior.

It disturbed me too how I could give a friend so much benefit of the doubt. Why couldn’t I trust my own feelings of discomfort? I had to ask other people to confirm that what Thelma did was horrible, and that I didn’t deserve to be treated in that way.

Now, Thelma and I no longer speak to each other. The last time we talked, she accidentally called me by my dead name. A dead name is a transgender person’s former name, which can be painful for us to hear. I called her out on this, and she apologised. I was still angry because of something else she did, though I don’t remember what.

Deep down, though, I knew I was resentful that she cheated me out of $400, so I took this upset as an excuse to stop talking to her. We never had an official friendship breakup, but we were basically over then. I don’t think our mutual friends even knew, and they probably still believe we’re friends.

In this whole affair, I know that I had my problems as well. There were things I did wrong, matters I could have handled in a much more mature way. Yet, I am gobsmacked that Thelma actually did that to me. Especially as we had been so close, and I had trusted her so much.

This is not to say that Thelma was a “bad person,” as I think the reality is more complicated than that. She had her faults, but she also had her merits. She did help and support me in many ways as well. I’m not trying to defend her actions, but I wanted to be fair and acknowledge her good sides, too.

Regardless, this was a huge lesson learned for me. It’s absolutely vital to set boundaries with friends. Otherwise, the bitterness would just build over time.

If I had been more assertive with Thelma’s pattern of owing me money and forgetting to pay me back, then maybe things wouldn’t have escalated to that point.

You could argue that Thelma was just a bad friend I should be happy to cut ties from. But who knows? I don’t think my friendship with her was that black and white, but I truly don’t wish to be friends with her again.