Moments When I Felt Happiest and Most Alive

Life can be depressing.

Stressful events can pile up and wear you down.

You could feel helpless at the state of the world, especially since the overturn of Roe vs Wade.

All of this can be crushing, but as a human being, you still need hope to survive.

One way to light up a candle of hope, is to write down a list of happy moments, to remind you of the joy and goodness that exists in this world.

I found this very encouraging exercise from

Devon Price’s book, Unmasking Autism. You list your top five moments when you felt most fully alive.

These moments not only remind you of better times, they also reveal your deepest values.

To demonstrate, let me share with you my top moments where I felt happiest and most alive. See if you can spot any patterns.

Watching the epic movie, Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire

I was emotionally overwhelmed when I watched the characters fight for their lives in the arena. The sights and sounds, especially the music, moved me so much.

It was as though the tedium of daily life was stripped away, and all the meaningful, emotional parts were cast in strong relief. Everything that happened on the screen mattered, unlike most of my day-to-day life.

Playing Pokemon Stadium in the dark, cool room of a video game store

Back then, I was a kid who rarely got to play any video games. We didn’t even have a computer at home.

In the dark room of the store, the 3D, life-like Pokemon on the screen, plus the familiar theme music, made me feel so nostalgic and touched. It was a glorious moment where I entered my favorite fandom universe of all time.

Writing an euphoric fantasy romance about a spirit and his charge

I would be too embarrassed to show you this story now, since it was so juvenile, but I adored the experience. It was the winter holidays, and I felt inspired to write this love story between a guardian spirit and his charge.

The romance was sweet and heart-wrenching, with a clear happy ending. The plot was a little conventional, but it made the audience feel good. And the prose felt spellbinding to me because the first-person narrator, the human charge, had such a warm and sincere voice.

Drawing a picture of two lovers kissing in a snowstorm

It took me five hours to finish this picture, but I was delighted with the result. It wasn’t professional, nor do I want to let you see it. But I was on fire and fully immersed in the drawing.

It was the first time I drew people kissing, and I think I did a decent job. The snow raging in the background felt dramatic and blissful.

Playing the flute in the morning, in a deserted mall

I got up early for a music exam. The test centre was in the mall. Nobody else was in the mall except for me and my assistant teacher. When I started rehearsing, my flute’s music echoed in a stunningly beautiful way.

I’m not the most dedicated flute-player, especially as I rarely play it these days.

But in that particular moment, I felt so much auditory pleasure. The music from the flute was magical. And I felt so proud of myself for being able to wield this gorgeous musical instrument!

Walking out of the library, the morning I completed my epic-length Chinese martial arts series

I still remember that day. I was so excited and triumphant. This was a story I had abandoned since secondary school. But eight years later, I picked it up again. Never would I have imagined that I would finish writing this tremendously long series. It’s about 1.5 million words, and written in my second-best language (Chinese), too.

I had stayed overnight in the library to write the final chapter. As I walked back home, I was in a happy daze as I listened to Ciara’s cover of “Paint It Black” on my headphones. Even the morning air felt invigorating.

Writing a short story about a flawed guardian angel

I wrote this story in just one night. During that night, I was in an altered state of consciousness, and everything felt hyper-realistic. The story was intense and I was fully absorbed. It was so sad yet so beautiful.

The ending was a sort of “cliffhanger happy ending.” The human protagonist tries to keep both her human husband and her guardian angel lover.

This was probably my messiest and least polished story, ever. Even friends who normally praised my writing were aghast at how poor the quality was.

But hey, I still had an enormous amount of fun writing this story. Maybe one day, I will polish it properly. But for now, I can appreciate it for what it was — a blissful and incandescent memory.

Reading George Eliot’s The Mill on the Floss on the plane in the dark

This is a reason why George Eliot is one of my favorite writers. I was captivated by her poignant, touching descriptions of the heroine’s state of mind.

The heroine went through “self-renunciation,” which sounds philosophically profound, but was actually an extreme kind of self-denial. It was heartbreaking but also moving to read.

The fact that I was reading for hours on the plane, meant an incredible amount of concentration, since it was relatively quiet and in the dark, where I just relied on my plane light to read.

Reading Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment on the plane

This is a reason why Dostoyevsky is also one of my favorite writers ever. I was enraptured by his deep descriptions of the MC’s thoughts and feelings.

Both George Eliot and Dostoyevsky are intensely psychological. They are complex thinkers and feelers. Their insight into their characters was impressive and enthralling. Again, the plane’s dark and concentrated atmosphere helped me immerse myself into the books.

I had a similar experience with reading Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood on the plane. There were some other books that made me feel alive, too, but which I didn’t read on the plane: Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery, Shirley by Charlotte Bronte, That Irresistible Poison and Feral by Alessandra Hazard, Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell, and many more!

Most of these stories were romantic. I’m quite romantic for an aromantic.

The last one might make you laugh:

Reading Fanny Hill — a famous erotic novel — while enjoying some fruity tea

I know how silly this sounds, but this moment was actually a turning point for me. It was shortly after I started taking testosterone for my gender transition, and testosterone increases libido.

The first time I read this novel, was when I thought I was a cis girl. I was raised in a very conservative family and culture, so I was embarrassed to read a book where there was a sex scene every few pages.

Yet by this time, I had become a lot more interested in sex, at least in fiction. The author, John Cleland, is brilliant at using metaphors to describe the same act in countless different ways. It was a time of great self-discovery for me.

The fruity tea I drank, felt new, too, since I wasn’t a tea drinker before. The novelty and relaxation of the tea, plus the exhilaration of this erotic novel, made me feel incredibly alive.

What did I learn from these moments where I felt most alive and happy?

You see some clear patterns. Reading or writing novels with intense emotions, especially in romances, lit me up. Working for several hours nonstop, or writing deep through the night until the morning light, can create this aliveness, too.

Some sensory experiences, especially auditory ones, can move me profoundly. I’m very stimulated by music, especially if it feels like it’s echoing all around me.

It seems to all connect to art, whether it be written stories, music, films, video games, or visual art. Maybe I just love the expressiveness of art. Art removes all the humdrum parts of life, casts the meaningful parts in strong relief, and makes it feel like a hyper-reality.

Finally, during these moments of aliveness and great happiness, I often felt like I was in an altered state of consciousness, where everything was more intense, more magnified, and more thrilling.

I’m surprised that I didn’t include any interpersonal experiences, since I’m such a sociable person.

Yet, these artworks I enjoy are usually about interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones.

How about you?

What are some moments when you felt the most alive and happy? Did anything surprise you about my answers? What else have you noticed about this exercise?

Originally published in The Community Building Movement on Sept 29, 2022