Lovely Illusions: A Gay, Trans, Aromantic Poem About Aching Desire

Heart-fall blossoms plunge down
Into the autumn woods,
Deep velvet birds, caged and sad,
Look with longing at the sky.
Plumage fumes with burning smoke,
Silver trails sluice down into the dark water.

Roses gold and ephemeral
Cast down their petals of change and warning,
Dream mansions beckon you
To grace their halls
With your boughs of envy.
Snow birds twitter among the sharp strong leaves,
And funnels feed into a dusty crater
Of the pale, battered moon.

I enjoin you
To rise with us in our lustrous dance,
Hear the horses prance
Across the creamy-blue carpet.
Everything is lush and liquid,
Soft and soothing,
A healing balm to your tired skin.

Lights flash in the clouds,
Platforms dazzle into dubious life,
Where shadows fade and darkness spells.
Feather-light touches
Ghost down my body,
Rippling with ripe desire,
Bending the entire antiquity
Of my existence.

When the curtains are drawn,
You and I linger
In the warm, tender darkness.
So many murmurs,
So many promises,
Thrown into the melting violet sun.

Mirror shards reflect
The corners of my uneasy heart,
Scanty images float through my mind,
An ill attempt to fend off
An invisible enemy.
Limpid notes bubble
From the fountain of your voice,
Encouraging me to make my choice.

In this theater of fate,
A row of glowing carts
Roam up to my startled eyes.
Cards of emerald collapse before me,
Stunning my limited sight.
Forests of cypress
Revel me with their passion,
So sweet in the making,
So rough in the quaking.

Will you choose the woody creek,
Where freedom will be yours
But home will be an unstable place?
Or would you rather pick the jeweled scepter,
And live in a plush castle
That ties you to its heart?
I choose neither
And sprint towards
The flowing summer water,
So poignant in its melody,
And so peaceful in its embrace.

In 2021, I tried out Grindr for the first time. Little did I know that I would become close friends with someone, and even fall in love with him.

This was the poem I wrote back then to express my longing, hope, and confusion. I wanted a relationship that was more emotional and lasting than friends-with-benefits, but not a romantic one, either.

Not long after, I confessed my love to him. He reacted by unfriending me and disappearing from my life. I am no longer in love with him, but I still love this poem. I hope you like it too!

If you want to know more about what happened with this guy I once loved, and what I did after he left me in the dust, you can read the story "An Aromantic's Quest to Find a Stable, Loving Relationship."

Originally published in Prism & Pen on March 12, 2022