It’s Scary to Come Out as Transgender to Romantic Partners
There’s an insinuation that trans people are less desirable than cis people…
It’s hard to find a loving relationship.
It’s even harder if you’re trans, since not everyone is open to transgender partners, sadly.
Lately, I read some fiction stories where the trans character comes out to a potential partner.
I’ll use pseudonyms for the characters. In one story, Phil comes out to Layne as a trans guy.
Layne reveals that he already knows, because he saw Phil’s YouTube video about getting top surgery some years ago.
Regardless, Layne reassures him that it doesn’t matter to him. He’s still interested in Phil, sees him as a man, and uses all the right pronouns.
In another story, Vince has been dating Niall for a couple of years. One day, Vince nervously reveals to Niall that he’s trans.
Niall responds that he knows, since he has seen Vince’s testosterone bottles lying at home before. He also tells Vince that he loves him no matter what, that he has nothing to fear.
These romances are heartwarming. Wouldn’t anyone want to be unconditionally loved by a partner like that?
In both cases, the partner already knew. I wonder what their initial reaction was, though I imagine it wasn’t too horrible.
Some years ago, I read a book where the trans guy, Ryan, told his new lover Geoffrey that he was trans before they went to bed together.
For context, Geoffrey is a bisexual cis dude who had only liked women in the past. When he fell for Ryan, though, he did see Ryan as a man.
Geoffrey was unfazed when he found out that he was attracted to guys as well. He grew up in a very queer accepting environment, where his sister is also bisexual.
In fact, he told Ryan that he was relieved, because though he likes Ryan, he was unfamiliar with how to interact with (cis) male parts. So it was reassuring that he could work with what he was used to, so to speak.
What do you think of Geoffrey’s reaction?
I think it’s not bad, all things considered. But I was antsy at the remark that he’s more familiar with cis female parts, even though he’s just being truthful.
Nevertheless, Geoffrey had no problems when Ryan wanted to use a packer (basically an artificial penis). It sounded like even if Ryan had bottom surgery, Geoffrey wouldn't mind. He might be anxious about not knowing how to please Ryan, but he wouldn’t lose interest in him as a partner.
An underlying message about acceptance
The above examples of partner reactions are decent, right?
The partners don't have any issues with them being trans, and are still interested in them romantically.
Yet, there’s this uncomfortable lingering issue:
Despite all good intentions, there’s an insinuation that trans people are less desirable than cis people. It’s like we have to rely on luck to find someone who is okay with us being trans.
Many (but not all) people think that when someone has “cis” body parts, they are sexually more attractive. Those with “unexpected” trans body parts, may be forgiven if their partner likes them as a person or doesn't care about genitals.
So we’re basically being blamed for something we were born with (or not born with). It’s as if the best we could hope for is tolerance.
This reminds me of a novel I read, written by a trans woman. It stars a trans girl’s romance with a cis boy. When her classmates out her as trans, the guy’s first reaction is dismay. “You have a dick?” he blurts out.
That is traumatizing and she runs away from the scene. The guy later apologizes for being such a douchebag, and they get back together again.
I told a trans female friend about this story. She recoiled in distaste too, even though the story was written by a fellow trans woman.
Yes, even if the author is trans, it doesn't mean we have to like what happens in the story.
By presumably having a dick, the trans girl is deemed to be less attractive. She actually had bottom surgery and doesn't have a dick anymore, but that’s beside the point.
In fact, she is gorgeous both in looks and personality. It was good that her boyfriend repented later on, but it stinks that she could be seen as inferior to her cis female peers, just because of her anatomy.
That said, “sexual preferences” isn’t the same as transphobia
As a disclaimer, there’s a big difference between someone who (currently) isn't interested in dating trans people, versus someone who sees trans people as undesirable in general.
In some cases, it’s people being afraid of the unknown. Some folks become open to it when they meet more trans people in real life, as opposed to hearing about us as a concept. (And believing in the negative stereotypes about us.)
Some others are uncomfortable with certain types of anatomy. This is unfortunate but it happens and is not necessarily transphobic. It can happen even amongst trans folks ourselves.
For instance, some gay trans guys I know, are not comfortable “eating out” their fellow transmasc partners. Not because they think the other guy is unattractive, but because they’re uncomfortable with certain sex acts with particular parts of the body.
Sexual orientation-wise, I care more about their gender identity than about what’s on their bodies. But I do have my limits on what I can or can’t do.
This has nothing to do with the person’s desirability. They are just sexual limits. We won't be comfortable with just any sex act. Even if we find the other person attractive.
That leads to the point that attractiveness is not the same as bedroom compatibility.
You can find someone really hot. You may even want to bed them. But that doesn’t mean you would be comfortable doing anything that this hot person desires.
I won’t reveal my own stuff, but there are certain “vanilla” acts that I don't want to do at all. Even if I like the person and would love to sleep with them.
Moreover, “sexual desire” is a general feeling. It’s a vague sense that you want a physical union with someone. But it doesn’t have to include any specific activities of what you want to do with them.
Heck, it could just be cuddling and dirty talk. Or mutual masturbation that doesn’t involve penetration. Sex comes in all sorts of flavors, after all. It doesn't have to literally involve banging.
What about trans fetishism?
There is also the opposite problem.
While some (not all) people see trans folks as less sexually desirable, some think we are more sexually desirable.
That’s a good thing, right?
Well, not always.
Just as we wouldn’t want someone to discriminate against us for our anatomy, we wouldn’t want them to be attracted to us for our bodies, either.
Some people may think we’re being difficult. In fact, this situation reminds me of this sexist “joke” I heard a long time ago:
“A woman is angry when a man shows interest in her body. But she is also angry if he shows interest in other women’s bodies instead.”
The “joke” makes it sound like women are impossible to please. But that’s because the speaker doesn’t understand what’s happening.
- It’s valid to not want to be treated like a mere sex object.
- It’s also valid to want your partner to find you desirable.
- And it’s okay to feel jealous if your partner seems to want other people more than they want you.
These wishes do not contradict each other. They are completely human and understandable desires, regardless of the person’s gender, and regardless of whether they’re cis or trans.
What most people want, is to be loved and respected as a human being, and also for their partner to find them attractive.
If a partner finds them attractive but doesn't respect them as a human being, that's obviously bad.
If a partner loves and respects them as a human being, but finds them physically repulsive, that's also bad.
Is that so hard to understand? I see no contradictions here.
How about preferring trans people without fetishism?
Some cis gay and straight people are secretly intrigued by the thought of having sex with a trans person.
Yes, I know how this sounds like, but bear with me.
So…not all interest in trans people equals fetishism. If you treat a trans partner as a mere plaything or experiment, then that’s fetishism. But if you see the trans partner as a fellow human being, where you’re interested not just in their body but in their thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc., then that’s not fetishism.
Some critics will say that if this is a one-night stand, why should you care about your partner’s mind and personality? Shouldn't just their body matter?
In principle, yes. But in practice, no. Even if this was a one-night stand, you can still respect them as a person. Checking in with their needs and desires, respecting their boundaries, asking for consent, making sure they feel good and safe, and so on. That’s just basic human decency.
Among those who do respect trans people as fellow humans, some are curious about or even prefer sex with trans folks.
On Reddit, some cis gay dudes mentioned that trans men, unlike cis men, have natural lubrication, which makes sex easier. That doesn’t mean all trans men are comfortable using those parts, though, not to mention that some have done surgery to get rid of it already. But yes, that’s a possibility if both partners are into it.
One cis gay guy told me that psychologically, dicks would turn him on more. But physically, since he’s a top, he enjoys sex with front holes more.
That doesn’t mean he sees his partner as any less male or masculine, though. He’s still only attracted to men, regardless of whether he’s cis or trans.
Another cis gay guy told me that trans men who have taken testosterone to the point where they are indistinguishable from cis men, have the same effect on him as cis men.
He’s also a top, and when he saw porn videos of cis guys railing a trans guy, he admitted that he felt very turned on and would love to try it himself.
In fact, he thinks that tops are less likely to have issues. As he put it, “Ass or pussy, as long as it’s a guy, I’d bang!”
Some people may think that’s a dream come true.
Some others may think this is “virtue signaling.” Or that these men aren’t really gay, but are actually bisexual or pansexual.
Well, no. There are many ways to be gay. Being attracted to men, for instance, could mean being attracted to:
- A masculine physical presentation
- A male or masculine gender identity
- Dicks and other traditionally seen as male genitalia
Or a combination of the above. This means that some of us don’t care as much about genitalia as some others do. But that doesn’t make us any less gay.
I’m personally most influenced by the masculine gender identity and physical presentation. The genitalia don't affect me that much. Some other folks may feel differently and that’s okay.
Let’s not assume that everyone experiences sexual attraction the same way, because we are all different, even if we all call ourselves gay men.
So what’s the bottom line?
It’s valid to be scared of coming out as trans to potential partners.
Some people get nasty in their rejection. Some are more polite in their decline. Some will be happily accepting. Yet some others may be creepy and fetishize us, wanting to collect sexual experiences with trans people…
But one thing’s for sure, is that trans folks are equally worthy of love as cis people. We can be just as beautiful, clever, impressive, and successful as our cis peers.
Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
