I’m a Socially-Exhausted Extrovert

I feel energized and alive when I talk to people.

I’m sociable to a fault, chatting with lots of different people, including strangers. These conversations give me joy and satisfaction, whether in person or online.

Yet, there comes a time when even an extrovert is worn out, and needs to get some rest.

Some friends asked whether I might be an ambivert, which is in between an introvert and extrovert. I believe I’m still closer to the extrovert end.

It’s odd but my main interests, reading and writing, are solo activities. Yet, I feel most awake and energetic when I’m talking to someone.

However, my ears and jaw (or arms, shoulders, and eyes for online chats) do get tired. Even if I feel mentally boosted from positive social interactions.

So I learned the paradox that you can be happy and burned out at the same time.

Writing Long Comments

As some of you know, I delight in writing comments, especially long ones, on other people’s articles. On Medium, I’m not just looking for readers; I’m looking for friends, too.

So it makes sense to me to share a lot of thoughts with others. How else can I form sincere friendships with people and get to know them?

Yet, it gets harder and harder to keep up with friends as I follow an increasing number of writers. I’ve been neglecting exercise, my health, and my work outside of Medium because I spend so much time writing to others.

Don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for the wonderful friends I’ve made here, and I don’t plan on stopping my correspondence with them anytime soon.

Nevertheless, I need to be honest about my physical limitations. For one, I could write shorter comments more often. For instance, maybe aim for a maximum of three paragraphs rather than over five paragraphs.

It’s challenging because so many writers have expressed joy in getting my long comments, especially as long responses to articles are not the norm. I feel appreciated and I love that I have the power to make someone happier.

And it’s frankly hard to stop doing something when you keep getting praised for it!

Setting boundaries even if we enjoy a friend’s company

When I was a kid, I was a loner who was often bullied. The few friends I had were mostly frenemies.

So I’m especially addicted to the feeling of being liked and accepted.

This often means that I need to set better boundaries with people. Just because a friend and I like each other’s company, doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be any limits to protect ourselves from burning out or neglecting other parts of our lives.

Some years ago, I exchanged several long emails with a close friend every day. His parents scolded him for spending so much time emailing me rather than doing his work.

On the bright side, the daily correspondence improved our writing skills, and we became close and trusting friends. On the downside, yes, we truly were neglecting other things in our lives because we took so much time to write to each other every day.

So I notice that I’m doing something similar now. It’s one thing to have one or two pen pals. It’s another to have 10, 20, 30, or more pen pals.

How on earth can we keep up? Especially when our social networks keep growing?

And if you’re like me, you might feel guilty when it seems like you’re ignoring someone, even if the person doesn’t actually feel that way.

Plus, I’m a very nurturing person. I get antsy when I think that I’m not giving someone enough attention, even though I know that’s silly. We can’t be everything to everyone all the time.

Not that we should aspire to be anybody’s super-friend, but I have tried!

Moreover, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m getting tagged more and more often in articles. On the one hand, I feel flattered and appreciated. On the other hand, I feel panicked when I realize I’m too tired to write thoughtful comments on every article where I’m tagged.

I know we’re not obligated to respond, let alone write great comments, on every story we are tagged in. But again, I feel like I’m letting the person down or making them feel forgotten…

The expectations that come with being a well-liked, regular participant

As someone who tends to be positive, encouraging, and very active in groups, people come to trust and depend on me. This feels great until I realize that I no longer have the spoons to do so much. I have to learn to say no to invitations and requests for help.

A close friend, who is the admin for my FTM transgender support group, is stepping down. He tagged me and a few other regulars, and posted in our Facebook group to ask people to help facilitate and take over.

Since he and I are close, and I have a very high “attendance rate,” sometimes I feel like I should help even if no one specifically told me to.

I empathize when someone says no because they’re busy. Yet, I feel guilty when I say no, thinking that because I’m a well-liked regular, I have the responsibility to put in extra effort to show up.

Worse, I worry that people will think that I don’t care, that I’m being cold and negligent, if I refuse to take on a responsibility.

But in reality, we all have our own lives. We can’t be there for all our friends in every situation. We need to learn to forgive ourselves.

In the end, I pushed myself to write on my friend’s post:

“Thanks for everything you did. You put in so much work to support us, even during the pandemic!

As for me, I’ve been going through a lot of life changes, most of them positive. But even positive changes can be stressful and tiring. Often, I just feel like going back to bed — I’m so overwhelmed and exhausted.

It’s strange that I can be both happy and burned out at the same time. So I’d rather not make any hard commitments right now. But even if I’m not there, I will support you all in spirit!”

I was relieved that my friend didn’t yell at me or push me to step up my game — not that I thought he would; these were just my insecurities. He was sympathetic. He also congratulated me on the positive changes in my life, and thanked me for letting him know.

Maybe with more practice in saying no to invitations and requests, I will stop feeling bad for not being able to support everyone when they need help.

Do you also feel terrible when it seems like you can’t keep up with people, whether on Medium or elsewhere? If so, how do you cope with the guilt you get for not being as available and responsive as you would like to your friends?

Originally published in The Orange Journal on May 6, 2022