If Most Relationships End in Tragedy and Heartbreak, Why Should We Even Bother?

Lately, I read a lot of sad, crushing stories about relationships.

Ugly breakups, divorces, infidelity, abusive partners, gaslighting in relationships, even well-meaning partners who are so consumed by work that they gradually drift away from you.

A friend even told me that most relationships end in breakups, so they are a “ticking bomb.” Wow. I wonder why he keeps jumping into relationship after relationship, then. That sounds extremely depressing and hopeless.

Do I sound melodramatic? There are happy relationships and fulfilled couples around me. But for some reason, the heart-wrenching stories stick with me most.

It has gotten to the point where I should probably spend less time reading them. As I commented on someone’s story, it feels like there’s a 99% chance that the person you’re seeing will turn out to be an asshole. And if you’re lucky enough to find a decent partner, there’s a high chance that you’ll lose them to someone else, anyway.

I don’t know what the author made of my bleak comment, but she didn’t object.

There was another story I read a while ago, where a writer, let’s call her Cherry, described her painful experiences with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex. She is now in a happy marriage with a great guy.

But of course, I fixated on the scary ex. I wondered to myself, why should we bother getting into relationships when abusive partners are so common?

Cherry clarified that she wasn’t trying to depress me. She had wanted to share her experiences so that people can see what emotional abuse looks like, since so many of us had believed that these behaviors were normal.

I get what she means, and I appreciate her clarifying. Yet…the fear and sorrow persist in me.

Later, I told another friend, Lottie, about my very dismal view on relationships. Her feeling was that it’s better to have tried than to regret not trying. Her viewpoint made sense, but I still had lingering doubts.

A Change of Heart

However, several things have conspired to change my perspective towards relationships.

One, I realized that even if bad things happen to me, I could still use it as interesting story material to entertain people. If life throws glass shards at you, you might as well use those shards to build beautiful glass windows.

The second reason is a strange one. A while ago, I grew quite attached to my main characters in a gay, trans erotic story I’m writing. (I won’t disclose my erotica pen name, sorry.) There’s something about their story that captivated me from the beginning. Their erotic tale was inspired by a dream I had, but it transformed into something much more.

This story made me think more deeply about relationships, the longings, the happiness, the grief, and the overall sense that they are worth experiencing.

All sorts of nasty things can happen in a relationship. But it’s unfair to assume that the other person will definitely break your heart. Not all partners are narcissists or sociopaths. A central theme in my story is having — or lacking — faith in the other person, no matter how sincere and good they are to you.

If you can never predict the future, if relationships and people will change over time, does that mean you can never trust anyone? Of course, there are assholes who don’t deserve a smidgen of your trust. But should you then shove everyone aside and not give anyone a chance?

Of course, even genuine, goodhearted people could break up due to unfortunate circumstances. But still, it’s a shame to toss the baby out with the bathwater. You’re so afraid of a relationship ending in disaster, that you also reject any chances of happiness in being together.

It’s like saying that you don’t want to make friends because friends just come and go, despite everyone’s best intentions. The end of friendships can be just as devastating as romantic breakups.

Moreover, having faith means choosing to believe in someone even without a guarantee that they will always be kind to you. Maybe someone will eventually leave you, but should you assume right from the start that they will abandon you one day?

These questions make me feel more hopeful.

The third thing that led me to change my mind, was a sobering essay I read about taking life too seriously. If you see life in a more playful, lighthearted way, like a videogame, you would be more able to let go and take risks. You won’t have to be so paralyzed by fears of what will happen to you.

I’m not saying that you should treat relationships and people’s feelings as a mere “game.” But the writer’s point is that if you don’t take life so seriously, then you can free yourself to do things that scare you.

Confessing to a crush is daunting for many of us. Even if they say yes, a million possible things could spell doom in the relationship. But thinking obsessively about possible dangers is no way to live.

Your life would be far happier if you see relationships in a more optimistic light, to enjoy what you have, care for the other person, and try your best to keep the relationship strong and healthy. No, this won’t always be possible, and even an amazing partner could die, either from old age, illness, an accident, or murder.

Denying yourself any chance of bliss with the other person, however, seems like a bigger sacrifice than taking the risk and having at least some sweet memories to treasure.

As any avid video gamer would tell you, sometimes, you lose precisely because you were unwilling to take the leap.

So why not explore relationships with an open mind and heart? You never know what joys you might discover. You could even learn some fascinating things about life, and become a braver, kinder person who will inspire others in the future.

Over to You

Do you also feel depressed by the sad stories about heartbreak? If so, what do you do to stay hopeful about relationships? Do you have any other thoughts on this topic?

Published in Hello, Love on Jan 15, 2023