I Loved My Mother When I Was Younger

Thinking about my mom depresses me. My relationship with her is bitter and troubling.

But it wasn’t always like that.

When I was a small child, my mom and I actually had a good relationship.

One of my favorite things about my mom, was that she was very clever with her hands, especially in using the scissors. She excelled in the arts and crafts.

For my ninth birthday party, she drew and cut out colorful window decorations. It was my favorite birthday party even to this day.

On Halloween, she carved me a Jack-O-Lantern with a broken lid, which I complained about. But she made a top hat out of construction paper, and the pumpkin ended up looking adorable.

Back then, I was so enthusiastic about my dog and lion plushies, that I even made a “doghouse” for them out of a cardboard box. When I wanted to make the windows, I felt so clever because I thought of using tape to mimic glass. My mom suggested that I use cling film instead. I was embarrassed but also grateful for her much better idea.

Another good memory about my mom, was when she tried to engage with me in my video games.

At the time, I was playing Pokemon Gold. I explained that there was a secret, underground passageway where your pokemon could get a haircut. She said that was cute.

I appreciated that she tried to show enthusiasm even if she clearly wasn’t that interested.

Besides Pokemon, I was also obsessed with Neopets, an online virtual pet game. My dad forbade me from playing it every day because I was addicted to it. But I couldn’t bear to see my pets starve, which would happen if you don’t feed them daily.

My mom felt bad for me and offered to help me feed my pets. Later, my dad grew angrier at my addiction to Neopets, and restricted my playtime even more. My mom quietly told me that my dad was going overboard with his video game restrictions.

At school, I was a big bully magnet. Once, two classmates stabbed me with needles, and one of them insulted my mom too. I defended my mom, and my classmate responded by slapping my face several times.

My mom reported them to the principal, and my classmates got a warning.

But the worst bullying was when classmates “teased” me, by accusing me of liking some boy or another. They thought my distress was hilarious, so they made fun of me every day.

Before long, I grew terrified of going to school.

Some years later, my mom said that she felt sad for me, as I was bullied so often and suffered so much.

So you see, back when I was a child, there was true affection between us, I believe. But for some reason, all of that is gone.

When I came out as transgender, that did nothing to improve our relationship.

Nevertheless, it was helpful to reminisce about the good times. It reminds me that my mother and I were happy with one another, once upon a time.

Originally published in What Is Love to You? on April 18, 2022