I Fell in Love With My Opponent in a Pokémon Tournament
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
In a Pokémon GO battle tournament, I miraculously defeated two veteran players, but the third player beat me. My last opponent was Lucas.
I was known to take forever to choose my Pokémon team. So Lucas told me he had hockey practice to rush off to after. But he said, “No pressure. I’m just saying we can’t stare into each other’s eyes all night.”
I was startled and confused. Some of the guys near us jeered and laughed. I don’t remember if it was Lucas or another guy who said, “Maybe another night, honey, but not tonight.”
The thing is, I had low self-esteem, so I couldn’t take any of this seriously. Moreover, we were hanging out in a group of guys I was still unfamiliar with, but who were friendly.
So I assumed that what Lucas did, was a “friendly hazing” or some welcome gesture. After all, I had seen some other dudes in the group play-flirt with each other.
What I hadn’t realized was that the guys who “play-flirted” with one another, were already close friends. Lucas and I were only acquaintances. Plus, he wasn’t the flirting type. And he never said anything like that to me again. Not sure if that was because I never reciprocated, or because it was just a one-off joke.
When I told friends about this incident, some of them thought there was sincere interest on his part. Some others thought it meant nothing. It probably meant nothing, but it definitely made me pay more attention to him. Somewhere along the way, I developed a crush on him.
It struck me too that with guys who “joke-flirted” with me in the past, I would become fearful and run. This was the first time I actually felt safe.
Our Friendship Grows
Before that tournament, I had already liked Lucas as a person. I especially love the way he uses words, in both speaking and writing. He isn’t just articulate, he’s also persuasive and encouraging.
He was the main reason why I joined the tournaments in the first place. In the Pokémon GO Toronto Facebook group, one guy asked if there were practice battle groups. Another dude told him about their WhatsApp group, which included some of the strongest players in Toronto.
I enjoyed battling but was too afraid to compete. Then Lucas came to comment. He described the tournaments in a way that made them sound warm and welcoming. And it truly is a pretty wholesome community, compared to most other gaming groups.
At first, Lucas and I only chatted about battling and Pokémon GO in general. But as time went on, especially during the pandemic, we gradually spoke about our life outside of the game.
Grief and Doubts
We talked from time to time on Whatsapp. He often replied within minutes or hours, or by the next day at the latest. But soon, I had to wait a whole week to hear from him. Sometimes even two weeks.
To be fair, my messages became quite long as I grew more comfortable with him, and Lucas did write thoughtful responses back. He always sounded warm and friendly. He never sounded dismissive. I also got a strong sense that he wanted me to be happy and successful.
Still, I was too aware of how long he took to reply and was convinced that I would have no chance. A friend, Abby, checked out my screenshots of his messages. She didn’t think he was interested at all, because she knew what sexual interest looked like.
For some reason, she still encouraged me to go for him anyway. But I get the feeling that my crush isn’t into sex — or intimate relationships in general. He might be a fellow asexual, which could be a relief.
Another friend, Terence, didn’t understand why I hadn’t asked my crush out yet. He quoted Wayne Gretsky, the ice hockey star: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
Terence hilariously said that, if he asks a girl out, there’s an 80% chance that she’s straight or bisexual and a 10% chance she might like him. So that’s an 8% chance, which is good enough for him.
He then said that if I ask Lucas out, there’s a 10% chance that he’s gay or bisexual, and an 80% chance he would be into me. So that’s also an 8% chance, so what have I got to lose?
“Wait.” I was aghast. “Why would there be an 80% chance that he’d be into me?”
My friend replied, “Because you’re a cutie! Why wouldn’t he say yes?”
Wow, I wanted to say that looks aren’t everything. But that would come off as arrogant, so I didn’t say anything. Plus, I probably don’t look that cute anymore, since I’m balding and gained so much weight over the pandemic…
My crush, meanwhile, is an all-star athlete with an awesome figure. He still has beautiful, thick blond hair. We’re both short, though, which is good because I prefer shorter guys.
More Roller Coasters of Emotion
There were times when I just gave up, as it was so hard to pursue anything with a friend. For context, I’ve never been in a relationship before, even at the age of 32.
My plan was to wait till the end of the pandemic to confess to him in person. But the lockdown lasted way longer than I expected.
So I gave up on Lucas for a while and crushed on a few other friends along the way. I confessed to one of them, and he reacted by unfriending me and disappearing from my life.
How’s that for my first confession experience?
Months later, I fell back in love with Lucas. But it might surprise you that sometimes, I fell out of love with him again when I thought it was hopeless, then fell back in love when my hope returned. With how changeable my feelings are, it’s hard to know how serious my love is.
Now What?
Our friendship has progressed to where we’ve gotten comfortable talking about our jobs and pets. I even told him a bit about my blogging life, and I’ve been open about my eyestrain issues and job search anxieties. I know that our depth of disclosure doesn’t sound very impressive.
What’s more, I asked him multiple times from November 2021 to now (July 2023) if he wanted to hang out. He always said yes, but only after he finished something else. He had to wait till this busy gig was over, after this hockey season winded down, when he had a free night at work, when his brother departed from his visit, when the weather got warmer, etc.
Do these all sound like excuses to you? I did ask if he found it awkward to just hang out with me since we had only met up with a group of other guys, never alone. He didn’t respond to that question, and just reassured me that he’ll let me know when he’s free.
Another friend, Steve, has the same problem. He kept promising to meet up but was always busy with something. Even when he was the one who wanted to hang out, he would still never find the time to do so. I don’t think Steve secretly hated me, but I still felt unimportant to him.
Much later, I was amused to discover that my crush is a thousand times faster to reply if I message him on Instagram, which is clearly his preferred app. I think he hates WhatsApp.
On Instagram, he usually gets back to me by the next day. If my message is a little longer, he may take some days or a week to reply. But he’s still way faster than on WhatsApp, where he could now take a month or more to respond.
Nevertheless, I still can’t get an in-person meeting with him. I have no courage to confess online. It sucks to see him hang out with his neighbours and coworkers, but never with me.
I live far from him (though he sometimes comes downtown to work), and I’m not his family or coworker. So I’m probably not a priority.
But I don’t want to give up. So I messaged him on Instagram to ask if he’s free either this month or in August. I’ve never asked him to hang out through an Instagram message before, only through WhatsApp.
He replied the next day. “There’s a chance! I’ve got a few things on the calendar, but we’ll see if we can make something work. 🙂👍”
He sounded friendly, but I can’t help but feel that I’m just an afterthought to him. I would have to be lucky to slip in amongst his other events.
If someone were truly excited to see you, they would make time to see you, no matter how busy they were, right?
But I’m neither family, colleague, nor close friend. So why would he care?
Final Thoughts
Have you ever had such a complicated situation before? There’s so much uncertainty about his interest or lack thereof. I don’t know if he’s even into guys, and I’m not out to him as transgender. I think he at least likes me as a friend and wants me to be happy, but is that enough?
Moreover, I don’t think he’s even interested in relationships in the first place. And a part of me feels content with our peaceful and sweet friendship. Another part of me wishes for something more intimate, though.
What would you do in my case?
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Originally published in The Narrative Arc on July 26, 2023
