I Defended My Crush and Feared That I Was Overreacting

Have you ever had self-doubts after defending someone you care about?

Let me set the stage for you.

My crush posted a photo on Instagram, where he posed with the hockey team he coached. They were celebrating the end of the season.

One commenter asked him, “You play hockey?”

Someone else replied, “Nah. Those who can’t play, teach.”

The first commenter said, “That’s true. And I bet he’s going to say he was a goalie at one point, lol.”

My crush tagged them both and responded, “Bully and heckle. 🙃”

Gee, I couldn’t resist cutting in, “There’s nothing wrong with goalies or coaches, though. :)”

Then I DMed my crush. I said I hoped it wasn’t too weird of me to say that. But I thought they were being mean and I couldn’t help but interject.

I knew that he had a razzing relationship with these guys, but I still thought it was an insensitive thing to say, especially during a time of celebration.

I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable with my outspokenness. But I don’t feel apologetic about it. From what I know, “those who can’t play, teach,” is an insult to athletes.

And what’s wrong with being a goalie? My favorite character in one of my favorite books ever was a legendary goalie. (Andrew Minyard from All For the Game.)

Perhaps his friends would think I’m too touchy, or they might even doubt my gender. Apparently, I look a lot more feminine in my photos than in person. A Medium writer was recently confused about whether I went by “she” or “they”…(I go by “he.”)

Alternatively, my crush’s friends might think I’m gay. Which is true. Hope they won’t be homophobic, though.

So, have I embarrassed my crush by speaking up for him? You’re supposed to let such brotherly roasting pass by, right?

More Conflicting Thoughts

When I reread the Instagram thread, I realized that one of his buddies replied with the comment:❤️😍

Now I feel stupid. Clearly, they were just messing around. My crush probably didn’t care, and now I’ve ruined their fun by butting in…

Or maybe I’m just desperate for any excuse to talk to my crush.

I hope I haven’t wrecked things between us. But at the same time, I so want something to happen. Some closeness, some connection.

Then I look back at the Instagram thread again. Nah. I still think his buddies were jerks.

My unpopular opinion is that sometimes, razzing goes too far. But since this is an established dynamic between friends, the person doesn’t think they can defend themselves successfully or be taken seriously.

Other people around them won’t interject, because as cringeworthy as the remark is, this is just their normal friendship routine.

If anyone was truly upset, they would hide their distress under a mask of false cheer. But what if someone like me, brazenly pops the bubble by defending the person who got teased?

Everyone would be shocked since I broke an unspoken social rule: “If you see bullying, don’t intervene. These are just guys messing around. They don’t mean anything.”

Nevertheless, my crush did use the word “bullying”…

Maybe he felt awkward when I intervened. Or maybe he’s secretly glad that someone took his side.

My Rationale Behind My Defense

My crush is passionate about hockey and coaching. He won multiple athletic awards, and coaching awards, and was even inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame at his university. In his final years of undergrad, he was the president of his university students’ hockey association.

In fact, my crush is exactly the type of person I used to be intimidated by: He has so many awards, impressive leadership positions, and other elite statuses.

He was also accomplished when he competed in Pokemon Go battle tournaments — which was where we met. I recall him being featured in a video by some major Pokemon Go influencers.

The influencers said that my crush was the toughest opponent they had faced in their town. He’s certainly one of the top competitors in the Greater Toronto Area, too.

As an amusing aside, a friend thought that if a guy is highly achieving in both athletics and video games, then he’s unlikely to be straight. I definitely hope he’s not straight!

There were also times when my crush seemed anxious that I had a good opinion of his tournament rankings, even though he was already very distinguished.

He is indeed impressive, but that’s not why I like him. I like him because of the way he makes me feel.

Nonetheless, it’s clear that his accomplishments, especially in athletics, are very important to him.

So I felt that the “those who can’t play, teach” jibe, and the “you were just a goalie back then too” remark, were likely more painful and serious than the usual ribbing.

Moreover, I get the sense that my crush doesn’t allow himself to complain. He wants to stay positive. So if he was genuinely upset, he would still laugh and pretend to be okay.

The Aftermath

My crush replied to me the next day. He laugh-reacted to my comment, then said, “Thanks, bud, all good!”

He also finally replied to my WhatsApp messages, which he has been apologetic about not getting to. To be fair, my messages on WhatsApp tend to be super long, and he does put in the effort to write me thoughtful responses every time.

Plus, I feel that something has shifted between us, and we have grown closer.

I think I’ve done the right thing!

Over to You

What would you have done in my position? Did you think I was overreacting when I defended my crush against his friends’ razzing?

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Originally published in What Is Love to You? on April 8, 2023