How I Learned to Respect My Friends’ Writing Goals and Stop Being a Jerk
It’s a hard pill to swallow
I used to have a problem with friends who loved writing but gave up to pursue other life goals.
When I was in my 20s, I was upset that Tina, Aileen, and Meredith were so passionate about writing, only to put it aside for other life aspirations.
Tina and Aileen were highly skilled writers.
They both self-published books in their early teens.
When I met them in university, I felt so behind. (I later self-published my first book shortly before I graduated with my bachelor’s.)
Tina was especially accomplished at humor and satire. Such funny and sweet stories.
Aileen’s writing is fabulous. So marvelously expressive.
If anyone ever believes that Asians can’t write well in English, have a word with these ladies. They’re both Asian.
Those Damn “Life” Obstacles and Changed Priorities
Tina was in med school to become a psychiatrist. Yes, she was of course extremely busy.
Yet, if she had so much time to play video games and watch anime, then she definitely had the time to write. It was all an excuse.
Once, she told me that playing video games was research for her stories.
At the time, I was naive and bought her explanation. But now? Sigh. It was simply another excuse.
She didn’t need “research” from video games to keep writing. She has played countless video games that her mind must be exploding with ideas by now.
For Aileen, I was also miffed.
She’s still one of my closest friends, but it drove me crazy that she ditched her writing, too. She claimed that she has no time or energy after work.
Well, how about getting up early to write?
She replied that she would sleep in.
Jesus Christ!
Aileen added later that she would make time to craft jewellery to sell at the next market. She admitted that she did not prioritize her writing right now.
Heck, I couldn’t believe it. She once said she was “crazy” about writing. How could she put writing aside and focus on jewellery making instead?
Yes, I know I was close-minded back then.
But I felt betrayed and abandoned, in a way. Aileen and Tina were my close writer buddies. How could they leave writing when they claimed to love it so much?
It was a similar case with Meredith.
She told me that she didn’t have time for writing anymore. Now she wants to do costume-making, sewing, and cosplay.
Again, I felt aghast. She was so dedicated to her writing, and our friendship had originated from our shared passion for writing.
How could she so frivolously cast it aside to do cosplay?
Frustration in the Present Day
Lately, I got so annoyed with some writer friends, Vincent, Evelyn, and Lina.
They let parenting get in the way of more consistent writing.
One of my writing mentors inspired me. He is super prolific despite having a one-year-old daughter.
He said that he would shut the office door and write. Even if she screams and cries outside all day.
You have to set hard boundaries with your loved ones, or else “life” will end you.
When I told my friends about his story, Evelyn countered that it’s cruel to shut a child out when they’re screaming and crying.
She added that they have no way to communicate discomfort except by crying.
Lina chimed in and said, “Yeah, what if the kid is in pain or hurt or sick?”
That made me grit my teeth. But I shut up because I didn’t want to come off as a heartless jerk.
Do Babies Doom You to “No More Writing”?
Another writer friend, Klint, also made me mad. He said he might write a few times a year.
He seemed to have no ability to take time off from baby care. I felt like he was making excuses.
When I vented about this, a friend, Keeley, argued that when she had newborns, she couldn’t make time to write regularly. And family does come first.
I was so frustrated. Sure family comes first. But that doesn’t mean you can’t write.
You don’t have to write for several hours a day. You could write little bits here and there.
Believing that you must have several solid, uninterrupted hours to write, is a surefire way to stop writing forever.
I’m exaggerating but you get the gist.
Later, I was ticked off by Aileen when she wrote on her blog that, ever since she had her baby daughter, all her life goals ceased to matter, and she’s happy for it.
I was dismayed. I wouldn’t want my life goals and dreams to melt away because of my kid!
I love my cat but that doesn’t mean giving up on all my passions for her.
Surely there’s a healthy medium between caring for your kid, and holding on to your aspirations.
So many people get resentful of their children, thinking of how they abandoned their dreams to care for their kid.
I always thought it was unfair for them to say that. They put the blame on their kids rather than taking responsibility themselves.
It’s hard but there are ways to make it work. You may slow down during the baby and toddler years, but you don’t have to grind to a halt.
I agreed with my mentor, that you have to write no matter how absurdly busy your life is.
As he said, “If you always let life get in the way, you’re finished.” He has a one-year-old and is currently sick, but still writes.
When I was recovering from my gender-affirming surgeries, I wrote every day, too.
It doesn’t have to be serious writing, let alone lengthy writing. Some days, all I did was write down my dreams in a journal. My dreams were like little short stories that I collected.
Respecting Other People’s Life Goals
But later I had a talk with a friend, Barry. He has children, but they’re old enough for him and his wife to leave them alone now.
Barry pointed out that not everyone wants to dedicate themselves to writing to the same intensity.
He and our friend Vincent saw their writing as a hobby.
Well, I hated it when others called writing my hobby, because that implied that I didn’t take it seriously, and I was an amateur.
So for these past 13 years, I called myself a part-time writer, even before I made a single cent from writing.
But not everyone wants to take their writing as seriously as a job, and that’s okay.
Likewise, some people want to write full time, but I only want to write part time. I enjoy my work as a part time therapist, and prefer having more than one job at a time.
My uncle, who is an artist and animator, might be disappointed that I gave up on drawing. I used to be incredibly passionate about drawing.
Yet, I chose writing instead and rarely draw anymore.
My uncle might be sad since he was extremely encouraging to me. He’s one of the few people I know who made a full-time living as an artist. He ran an animation studio.
Honestly I feel sheepish, since I used to be super dedicated to drawing. I took classes, experimented, read books on illustration, and practiced every day for years. But somehow I let my visual art turn into a hobby.
Shame on me, right?
Well, we all have to make our own choices. Just as I would like my uncle to respect my choice, I’m sure my friends would want me to respect theirs, too.
I should also stop taking it personally. It’s their journey, their path. It’s not some type of “betrayal” or “abandonment.”
On the bright side, my best friend in high school had told me, “You write really well. I think you could become a professional writer when you grow up.”
Thinking about that warms my heart.
I’m not sure if I want to call myself a “professional writer,” since that sounds a bit pompous.
But I do make a good chunk of my income from writing and editing now, and people seem to enjoy what I write.
So I suppose I fulfilled my best friend’s prophecy and became a “professional” writer.
That doesn’t make me better than anyone, however. I chose my path. And others are free to choose their own.
