In an LGBTQ+ Facebook group, a cis gay man declared, “I respect trans people’s identities. But if a trans man comes for a hookup, and he pulls down his pants, I won’t be interested.”

A trans female friend, Lyra, was the admin of the group. She was mad and deleted his post.

Some people applauded her decision, but others grumbled that an admin shouldn’t delete a post just because they disagreed with it. Some other folks stated that sexual preference is different from the acceptance of other people’s identities.

I agreed with Lyra’s decision, and we commiserated over the guy’s transphobic post. Lyra added, nobody is forcing these men to date trans people, but it’s so bigoted to say that they won’t date (or sleep with) any trans people.

Indeed. However, a secret part of me was bothered by something, but I was too afraid to voice this out loud.

It does hurt to hear cis gay guys say that they aren’t attracted to trans men. It’s also unfair that we are discriminated against for something that was never our fault.

I hated the insinuation that trans men were less attractive than cis men, too.

Yet, the guy was only talking about his sexual attractions, not about how he felt towards trans people in general…

These doubts made me very uncomfortable, so I shut off that train of thought.

A Fight on Reddit with Cis Gay Men

Years later, I witnessed this fight on the Reddit forum “askgaybros.”

Some cis gay men said that they’re not attracted to trans men, and that we trans folks should just accept this. A number of trans commenters were incensed and protested against these men.

I felt hurt and angry, too. Many cis folks say they’re not attracted to trans people, while some other cis folks fetishize us. It’s rare to find people who treat us like regular human beings with an equal chance to be loved.

It’s no wonder why so many trans people strictly only date other trans folks. Even I was tempted to do the same.

But I calmed myself and decided to go about this a different way. One of the above cis gay men, remarked that even if a trans guy got bottom surgery, he still wouldn’t be like a cis guy in his anatomy.

So I gently cut in. I told him that medical technology is quite advanced now. With phalloplasty, a trans guy can look identical to a cis guy down there. I’ve seen the photos on Trans Bucket!

The cis guy replied, “Wow, I had no idea that medical technology was so advanced now. I’m happy for you. :)”

That was an oddly humanizing moment. Maybe you’d think I’m too optimistic, but I believe he was sincerely glad for our sake.

I also felt pleased that I had the chance to educate cis men who didn’t know about the miracles of phalloplasty. Not that any trans guy is obligated to do this procedure, but it is an option for those who want it.

Teaching a Cis Guy How to Communicate Better with Trans Folks

Another cis guy complained that on Grindr, some trans men would DM him. He would chat with them, “treating them like human beings rather than ghosting them.”

However, when the trans guy asks to meet up, he would say he’s not interested in trans men, and they would be angry.

The cis guy felt frustrated and thought we trans folks were so entitled, that we couldn’t just accept that he wasn’t attracted to us.

Again, my initial reaction was anger. How dare he call us entitled when he was the one being a transphobe? But I took a few seconds to calm myself enough to reply to him.

Firstly, I advised him to give a generic rejection, such as “Sorry, you’re not my type,” rather than hurtfully saying, “I’m not into trans men.”

I added, “It’s great that you’re talking to them like fellow human beings rather than ghosting them. But in my opinion, it’s much better to reject them right from the start, rather than letting them believe you’re interested, only for you to reject them later.”

The guy thought about that, and realized that yes, an early rejection would be better than giving the person false hope.

Were My Talks on Reddit Productive?

Some would argue that I shouldn’t have been so diplomatic with these guys; I should just call them out on their bullshit and transphobia.

Perhaps, but what good would it do? If they aren’t attracted, I can’t change their feelings. And I don’t think anyone, trans or cis, would want to date someone who pretends to be interested but is really not.

Plus, we have our fans, too. Why waste our time on people who don’t fancy us? Why not move on to those who are attracted to us?

Moreover, I do think my Reddit conversations were fruitful. I enlightened a cis guy on how phalloplasty is truly like, as opposed to what he believed it was like. And I convinced another guy to interact with trans folks in a more sensitive way, and not give people false hope. I may not have changed their attractions, but I have changed something.

Some Positive, Inspiring Examples

In contrast, there are some encouraging examples of cis gay men who don’t mind trans guys romantically. One friend, Vincent, is a cis gay man. He said that a certain trans male celebrity is so hot, that he definitely wouldn’t mind dating him.

There are cis gay men on dating apps who are interested in trans men as well. On Scruff, a popular app for gay and bi men, this cis guy DMed me. His username was OtterDaddy, and he identified as gay on his profile.

OtterDaddy was specifically into hookups. I wasn’t into casual and wanted something more long-term, however. He respected that. He wished me the best of luck, and called me handsome.

Another positive example that stood out to me, was this fictional romance. While some other characters invalidated the trans guy’s gender, the cis gay man who was his love interest, never saw him as anything other than a man — even after learning that he was trans. It was beautiful!

All this genuine appreciation from some cis gay men, even fictional ones, made me more hopeful and wistful. Of course, I wished that one day, trans men would just be seen as men. And whether cis or trans, nobody would be seen as less attractive because of what they (currently) have on their bodies.

Recent Events that Provoked More Reactions From Me

Some weeks ago, I published an article called: “A Trans Person Got Nasty When I Said NO to Dating Them — I’m Trans Myself.” The story was about a fellow trans person who asked me out. I told her I wasn’t interested, since I’m gay. She got livid and questioned my sexuality.

A cis gay man commented on my article and said he really appreciated my story. He told me that he once found this very cute guy on a dating app. But when they met up in person, the guy disclosed that he was trans.

The commenter couldn’t see the relationship working, so he said he wasn’t interested, and the trans guy was of course upset.

The cis guy felt very guilty about this. But he spoke to his therapist, who pointed out to him that we can’t control our sexual attractions. Who we’re attracted to, has nothing to do with our open-mindedness or respect towards other people’s identities.

My first reaction to his story was some anger. Yet, I like the commenter as a person, as we’ve had pleasant interactions in the past. Plus, he clearly felt awful about this, and had no wish to hurt the trans guy’s feelings or to make the guy feel unattractive.

I also thought that, as a trans person myself, I had more leeway to speak honestly about these situations. As a cis gay man, he would have more trouble speaking candidly about his experiences without being labeled a jerk or transphobe.

These cases have pushed me to think harder about these problems, even if they make me uncomfortable. However, I’m certain that many other people, trans or cis, secretly have these doubts, too.

My Deeper Reflections and Final Thoughts

I have several thoughts on this matter. Firstly, there’s a wide range of cis gay men who reject a guy because he’s trans. On one end of the scale, there are transphobes who think we’re not really male, that we’re just women trying to con them.

But on the other side of this scale, there are cis guys who do respect trans people and believe that trans men are men. However, sexually speaking, they just don’t feel the attraction, and feel guilt and shame over their reaction.

You could argue that even the latter guys have internalized transphobia. But I question this belief now. Do they subconsciously think that trans people are undesirable? Or are they just frightened about the physical mechanics, believing that it would feel like sleeping with a (cis) woman?

Make no mistake. I still find it hurtful to think about this. But sexual attraction is, for many folks, more of a physical thing than an emotional thing. They don’t have any issues with the trans guy as a person, nor do they think he’s ugly.

But physically, they just can’t do it and are a bit freaked out. They’re embarrassed, though, since this is not what a proper ally should feel.

I’m sure many of you think I’m making excuses for these cis guys. However, I don’t think it’s helpful to hope that someone who isn’t sexually interested, will become interested in the future. I would rather move on to find someone else who might sincerely like me.

Also, I have to point out something quite discomforting: There are trans people who have a strong preference for certain body parts, too, so they only date cis people, never other trans people. (Yes, I’ve met such folks before.)

Do they have internalized transphobia? Maybe in some cases, yes. But in some other cases, it could simply be their sexual preference. It sucks to hear, but what can you do?

All that said, I wonder whether some folks who don’t want to date trans people, would feel differently if they hear that bottom surgery can make the trans person look identical to a cis person (for both trans men and trans women).

It does not mean the trans person is obligated to get this surgery unless they truly want to. But these surgeries do challenge common beliefs about what trans people have, anatomically.

Of course, some other people may not be thinking about anatomy, but are just weirded out at the idea of being with a trans person. Again, I don’t enjoy hearing that, but I also have no control over their feelings. It definitely is unfair to us, but I would rather not fixate on what I can’t have.

To give us some hope, however, I have heard of stories where a cis person initially says they will never date a trans person, but later falls in love with and even marries a trans partner. So it’s not impossible.

Maybe one day, nobody would care about bodies anymore. But I likely won’t live long enough to see that day.

Over to You

What do you think? Do you also have conflicted feelings about cis people who aren’t attracted to trans people? If you’re cis, have you ever felt guilty for losing interest in someone after discovering they’re trans? If you’re trans, how do you navigate this difficult terrain?

If you enjoyed this article, check out KP_the_writer’s story, Hot Topic: Trans Dating Preference vs Body Parts, for a different perspective.

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Originally published in Prism & Pen on June 25, 2023