Straight-Girl Lust to Gay-Male Desire

“Women have it much easier than men.  They get attention from guys wherever they go!” 

I’ve heard loads of straight men complain like that.

In the past, I would scoff at them.  I’d think that these straight men were objectifying women, as they were salty incels.  

But now, I feel differently.  

I’m transgender.  I used to be seen as female but now I’m seen as male.  Since I’m mostly attracted to men, I more or less identify as a gay male.  (I’m nonbinary, to be precise, but that’s another story.)

You know, sometimes we’re so cynical that we assume the worst of people’s intentions.  Plus, not all men (or even straight men) have the same motives.  

Something I realized as a gay dude, is that many people (not just straight men) believe that dating is easier for women who are attracted to men.

No, I don’t think it’s actually easier for women who like guys.  This is just a social perception.  

On the one hand, women typically get more messages on dating apps and get asked out more often than men do.  

On the other hand, this just means that women have to filter through more dross and unwanted dick pics.  

Not everyone follows the same gender pattern, either.  

Some men receive tons of messages and unwelcome attention.  And some women hardly get any messages or attention at all.

Yet, the idea persists that women attract men like magnets, while men need to keep trying and trying, in the hope that a woman will return his interest one day.

It doesn’t help that our society still expects men to do the asking out.  So even if a woman is interested, she probably won't tell him, and would wait for him to make the first move instead.  

No, not all women take such a passive role.  I know women who ask men out.  I’m only talking about gender role expectations that encourage men and women to act in specific ways.

Now think about all these gender norms from the perspective of a gay man who used to think he was a straight woman…Interesting, right?

If you’re a gay man, you’re expected to be both the pursuer and the pursued.  On apps, I admit I don't initiate much, but I get a number of messages.  

“Women Are More Beautiful”

But unfortunately, I’ve slipped into the same fallacy that many men have, including gay men.  In the media, women are often portrayed as more beautiful, more desirable, more of a “prize” to be won.

Yes, I know how incredibly objectifying that sounds.  I don’t deny that.  At the same time, doesn't it feel great to see yourself as gorgeous, wanted, and highly prized by others?

In contrast, men feel more ignorable.  As a woman, I got way more compliments on my appearance than as a man.  People just don’t praise men’s looks as much as they praise women’s.

Something I don’t admit to most people, is that a part of me misses being perceived as female.  Well, not seriously.  Since that gives me gender dysphoria and pain.  But I do remember the social perceptions.  

A part of me enjoyed feeling that, just because I was a woman, I was precious and desirable.

But after I found out I’m not a woman, I’ve lost that advantage.

Maybe it sounds weird to call that an “advantage,” but that’s how it felt to me. 

The other thing is, not only are women more prized, they’re also considered more vulnerable. 

Back when my parents thought I was their daughter, they warned me about the “dangers of men.”  

They told me not to be alone in the same room with a guy. Don’t invite even a male friend to your apartment.  Don’t go up to his apartment…

When I told some female friends about my parents’ warnings, they were shocked that I actually listened to them.  

Eventually, I broke this rule for a male friend I felt close to and thought was harmless.  Later, I discovered he was gay, so he was doubly safe, so to speak.

My dad said that men have automatic sexual thoughts about women, even if you’re friends.  

He added that men are not monsters, but be careful and don’t get yourself alone with them.  Even the most trustworthy male friend could endanger you.

Yes, even from typing all of the above, I recognize how extreme my parents’ fears were.  I’m also on the asexual spectrum, so when my dad stated that “unlike women, men think about sex all the time,” I believed him, since I thought that I was a woman.  

Nowadays, I have a much more nuanced understanding of gender and sexuality.  Women who think about sex all the time exist.  Men who aren’t interested in sex also exist.  Contrary to gender stereotypes.

So I did fear male sexual desire at the time.  But there was a secret part of me that was delighted.  

Of course I didn’t want to be in danger, or be forced into something against my will.  

But it was thrilling to think that some men would be interested in having sex with me.  It didn’t mean that I wanted to sleep with them, but I enjoyed the thought that I could be desirable and attractive.

Switching to the Gay Male World

Ever since I’ve started presenting  as a gay male, I’ve had some mental shifts.  

For one, sexuality seems more “normal” now, rather than something taboo (but secretly exciting).  

Plus, I lost all fear of being sexually desired.  I’ve been on hookup apps before, where men have told me directly that they wanted to bang me.  Some told me in detail how they wanted to do it.  

But surprisingly, I didn’t feel offended.  In fact, I enjoyed reading these messages, even when they were rude.  They made me feel attractive, wonderful, beautiful, all of those nice things.

I also have what I call “sexual empathy.”  When I read about what a man wants to do to my body, I feel so turned on.  To be clear, this does not imply consent or any serious wish to engage.  

It took me a while to realize that the sexual arousal wasn’t my own, but the other person’s.  I just had an empathetic reaction.  

This happens when I read sex scenes in stories, too.  I feel horny, despite not wanting to have sex with the person in reality.

Some people have trouble understanding the difference between sexual arousal vs a serious wish to have sexual relations with someone.  

I get plenty of the former, depending on what I pick up from people, usually their words because I find words the most arousing.  But I rarely get the latter.

An Unexpected Source of Sexual Interest

A very interesting thing I noticed, was how I reacted when men misgendered me on hookup apps.  

I won’t share what they said, but a part of me was angry, since I clearly wrote my gender identity and pronouns in my profile.  And most people read me as male these days.  But a hidden part of me felt sexually aroused.

In fact, I’ve heard from some corners of the internet, that some trans people experience this.  Feeling aroused because someone misgendered you sexually.  

It’s like a humiliation kink.  I’ve heard of cis men who get turned on when they get called female terms in bed, believe it or not.  So it’s not a stretch to think that some trans men feel the same.

I wouldn't want anyone to call me by these terms without my consent, of course.  Yet, it’s intriguing how, when strangers on hookup apps call me by feminine terms, I felt both insulted and sexually excited at the same time.  

Weird as hell.

Aside from the appeal of the humiliation kink, I believe my positive reaction was because of the social narrative, of women being more beautiful and “sexy” than men.  

So that association with beauty made me feel better, even though they misgendered me.

Being Alluring and Wanted

Here's something I never really told anyone:

When I look at sexual pictures, photos of men don’t arouse me much.  Photos of women do!  

Even though I'm gay.

Oddly, when I look at these sexual pictures of women, I feel turned on but have no desire to sleep with them.  

In fact, I put myself in her shoes.  I imagine myself as gorgeous and alluring, while having great sex with some hunk of a man.

I’ve heard some cis gay men do the same, where they see themselves as the woman when they witness a straight sex scene.

So, in some bizarre, even twisted way, it feels good to be the object of sexual desire.  Some people say they feel degraded when men view them as mere objects, like a receptacle for their spunk.  

I verbally agree with them that this is bad.  But deep down, I feel turned on by the image.  

Heck, one man actually asked me, “Want to be my cumdump?  You’re very attractive.”  Gosh, that fanned the flames of my sexual desire.  Fortunately, I had enough common sense not to go for it, since the guy was problematic and disrespectful as well.  But his words became a pleasurable memory to me.  

In fact, some of my favorite flirtatious words, were from the rudest and most disrespectful men.  Yeah, I truly do have a humiliation kink.  Even if I have enough sense not to meet up with these men for real.

Now, I want to clarify that I do not condone rudeness, disrespect, or sexual coercion.  What I described above, does not negate the seriousness of harassment or assault.

Yet, it’s important to recognize that, for some of us, we feel turned on by the thought of people wanting our bodies, no matter how much they disrespect us—especially if they disrespect us, actually.

It doesn’t mean we will take the risk and accept their proposition, though.  We can just enjoy this feeling privately, and ignore the assholes in real life.

What about you?  Do you love the feeling of being wanted by someone, even if you don’t actually want to have sex with them?

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