Extroverts Can Hate Parties Too

This is Part 3 of my series on debunking stereotypes about extroverts. Return to Part 1 and Part 2 here.

So many people assume that all extroverts are loud, raucous, life-of-a-party people.

But not all of us are like that. We’re a diverse group, just like any other.

As an extrovert, I feel energized by social interactions and cheer up at the thought of talking to people.

But I hate parties.

First of all, I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t like dancing where other people can see me, let alone bump into me with their bodies.

Plus, I hate loud noises, so bars are out of the question for me. I’m not enthusiastic about crowds, partly because of the loud noise, the claustrophobia of being sardined between so many people, or the sense that my individuality is being swallowed up by a mass of people.

I dread unstructured socializing, too, which means free-for-all conversations with nothing specific for us to focus on. Socializing is much easier for me if we’re playing a board game, discussing a book, working on a class activity, or anything else that gives us something specific to talk about.

Small talk does not excite me. While I can riff about the weather or school for a bit, we need to switch to a meaningful subject or I’ll be bored and want to leave.

In fact, even interesting friends can become boring at parties, since they look for bland, generic topics in the hopes of accommodating everyone.

Trapped and Miserable at a Party

Many years ago, I went to a lunch party where I felt stuck and unhappy.

We sat at a long table together. The friends sitting opposite me and beside me, were close friends, and we usually have highly stimulating chats about subjects like philosophy, creativity, writing, literature, and the like.

But for some reason, during this party, they kept talking about school…Wow, as if we didn’t feel swamped by school already. Why bring up such a mundane, everyday topic?

In contrast, there were a couple of people sitting a short way away from us. I could overhear them discussing video games, Pokemon, anime, writing, and parallel universes.

What wouldn’t I give to sit in on their conversation instead? Even though these people were virtually strangers to me.

But I couldn’t think of any excuses to move. I didn’t have the assertiveness to tell my friends to switch topics, nor was I able to cut in and say I wanted to sit next to these wonderful strangers to get to know them.

Maybe it would have been rude if I broke the unspoken social rule that you should go with the flow and not voice your boredom or discomfort. But I would have been much happier if I did it, and some people may secretly be glad for it, too.

Getting a Bit Braver

A few years later, I had a Christmas party at my practicum placement.

There were some friends I usually had enlightening conversations with about psychology, motivation, personality, relationships, philosophy, and the like. But at the party, they talked about fashion, food, and travel.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who loves any of these topics. But fashion, food, and travel are three topics that are most likely to bore me to tears.

The only time I perked up, was when they talked about music and singing. Unfortunately, that conversation didn’t last long, and they slipped back into those dull topics again.

I felt so frustrated, that I even worked up the courage to leave my table and go to another table. Maybe that was rude, but I just couldn’t stand the stale talk anymore.

Another friend at my table, followed me over to the new table. Maybe by seeing me leave, she realized that she didn’t have to put up with boring conversations, either.

At this new table, I felt much happier. The friends who sat at this new table, were chatting about much more interesting things. I don’t remember what exactly, but they were within our common interest areas and probably psychology as well. (We were all students in the counselling psychology program.)

I was proud of myself for having the courage to switch tables, no matter how guilty I felt at leaving behind some other friends. But we can’t please everyone, just as they couldn’t please me and everyone else at the same time, either.

Becoming More Assertive

A few months ago, a friend invited me and some others to meet their other friends at a lunch party.

When I joined the table, the topics they were discussing were quite bland, as you might expect at a party. The only time my interest was piqued, was when someone talked about their pets, or Roe vs Wade.

Yet at some point, a friend started talking about existential philosophy. Suddenly, the table went silent. Well, except for me. I responded with enthusiasm to my friend. A few people chipped in here and there, but you could tell that this was not a topic they were familiar with or interested in.

At first, I felt guilty. But then I thought: hey, I sat through a load of topics that bored me but I didn’t make one word of complaint. It’s only fair that I get to have a long chat on something I feel fascinated with but you don’t!

Later on, some people got into topics I also liked, such as Pokemon, raccoons, black cats, LGBTQ+ issues, and social justice.

So it doesn’t have to be a competition where we fight to talk about our favorite topics. We can find our common interests, too.

The real problem has nothing to do with extroverts

What I realized is that, when people complain about “extroverts,” they’re not really talking about extroverts. They’re talking about people who are insensitive, inconsiderate, and pushy.

Some people don’t realize that the other person is uncomfortable or bored. Or they follow social norms and pressure others to do the same.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with someone for liking parties, crowds, loud music, or even making small talk with strangers. It’s only a problem when they dismiss the other person’s freedom of choice.

Over to You

Have you also heard of the stereotype that extroverts are loud and rude party animals? If so, how do you feel after reading my story as an extrovert who struggles with parties? Do you have any other thoughts about extroverts, introverts, and how to handle unstructured social situations such as parties?

Originally published on QuickTalk on Aug 22, 2022