Do You Feel This Strange Lethargy and Inertia?

Do you have this odd sense of lethargy and listlessness?

It’s not depression, where you lose interest in things altogether.

You don’t feel dismal and you don’t feel pain. Instead, you have a mild, lukewarm interest towards activities you normally love. Writing romances, writing erotica, reading books, singing Disney songs… You smile at these activities but you’re not that excited about any of them.

This lingering inertia doesn’t feel like anxiety, either. While some areas in your life could be better, overall, life doesn’t seem too bad. It might even be pretty good. As for your ambitions to earn more money, improve your health, find a partner…none of that seems important right now.

In fact, you’re not even stressed, which is surprising, since you’re typically stressed and overwhelmed. You’re aware that a lot of tasks require your attention. Laundry, vacuuming, cooking, replying to urgent clients’ emails, and so many other things.

But instead of feeling intimidated by your long to-do list, you’re just annoyed and want to be left alone.

You’re annoyed too when you have to see people, even if you love and enjoy talking to them. Yes, yesterday you had fun chatting with friends about your dragon story characters, and even showed them your cute cosplay pictures. (Not sharing here, sorry.)

But now you want to be left in peace. You don’t want to talk to or entertain anyone.

Heck, you wish you could just stay at home. You could chat with friends online for a bit. But after that, you avoid even your online friends, and would rather lose yourself in a book, preferably a fantasy gay romance novel.

Perhaps you should take a walk to get some fresh air and sunshine. Trek around the neighbourhood, enjoy the sights of nature, now that the weather is finally warmer.

But you don’t feel like it right now. This lethargy might be bad for your health. But you don’t care and don’t want to move.

Is this fatigue? Maybe but it doesn’t feel crushing or life-draining like it usually does. What you feel isn’t apathy or indifference, but you do seem detached and reluctant to do anything. You’d rather lie in bed, close your eyes, and keep daydreaming.

Then, could it be boredom? Changing your routine, or adding a new and exciting hobby (like oil painting) might do the trick.

Or it might not.

Regardless, you’re not bothered by anything except for the fact that you’re not bothered by anything.

Watch me dive deeper down my rabbit hole of rumination

Maybe this is just like “The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars. Bruno sings about all these cool things he could do, from getting a badass college degree to getting ripped from a hardcore workout.

But today, he’s too lazy and doesn’t feel like doing anything. Never mind that he’s normally a prolific and highly accomplished artist.

Yet…I don’t think “The Lazy Song” is what I feel, either. And Bruno sounds a lot more upbeat than I do.

I wonder why it’s so hard to figure out my feelings.

Or maybe I’m just lonely.

It’s a bit upsetting that I haven’t heard from my crush in weeks. He’s a lovely person and friend, but he typically takes a week (or several weeks) to respond.

But he always sounds so friendly when he does reply. And I think he genuinely wants me to succeed and be happy. When I read his messages, I feel glad and at peace, too.

Would I want to be “together” with my crush, if he were interested? And do I wish that he would respond faster? Yes to both, but this is something I have accepted, with some resignation. So I don’t feel too sad about it. It is what it is. Too bad. Moving on!

So if I’m not too bothered by loneliness, then could it be sexual frustration? Well, it seems like reading and writing erotica, fantasising, and self-pleasure are enough for now.

Do I want to try out a sex club, though? There is a queer-friendly one downtown just some subway stops away. It sounds like a fun and welcoming place, but I’m not sure I want strangers to touch me right now. I’m also a bit germophobic and antsy about getting diseases. And I’m not just talking about COVID.

Perhaps I’m in more distress than I think, and I’m just suppressing my negative emotions. And these uncomfortable feelings have morphed into this vague, languishing inertia.

Or maybe this is just a temporary state that shall pass, like most things in life.

Onwards

Several hours later, I’m pleased to say that I no longer feel the above. Though I’m still quite calm and relaxed, I also feel more driven and enthusiastic to do things.

But I believe that strange lethargy will come back eventually. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. But hopefully, I will gain more insight the next time this happens.

How about you? Have you ever felt an inertia that you can’t explain? What do you think might have caused this? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Originally published in The Pub on Feb 10, 2023