There are so many Valentine’s articles lately, that it can be hard to stand out from the crowd. But Imma try anyway.

Let me regale you with the odd, funky things I wish I could do with my crush, whether on Valentine’s Day or not.

Maybe you can relate to some of these.

I want to shapeshift into a cat and rub against his legs

Am I the only person with such a fantasy? It would be fun to transform myself into a cat and interact with my crush that way. Other times, I can ride on his shoulder, and overall just be cute and fluffy.

I hope I’ll get along with his dog Jesse, a golden retriever, though.

He can rub a lamp, and I would be the fabulous genie coming out of it

Remember the genie from Disney’s Aladdin? It would be cool to have that kind of dynamic with my crush. In fact, I would feel so empowered, since I would have the ability to grant any of his wishes.

Technically, as the lamp-holder, he has power over me. But when it comes to raw power, I, the genie, will have the edge!

But just as Aladdin and the genie are ultimately friends, not enemies, so would I be with my crush. And he’s never had a Friend Like Me!

Yes, it’s self-indulgent, but I love the idea of being so special and important to him, and in such an unconventional way, too.

Take ice-skating lessons with him

I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t weird at all, Sieran! This is so normal and shouldn’t be on your list.

Ha! But you don’t know the background context. My crush is an ice-skating instructor.

Do I think it’s kinky to learn ice-skating with your crush as the teacher? Yes. Do I think it’s wrong to flirt with your instructor? No…?

Another funny thing about ice-skating, is that I’m too afraid to stand on one foot, because my balance sucks. And I’m uncomfortable with holding hands, due to my kind of aromanticism. One of the few exceptions is in ice-skating, where I feel okay holding hands because it’s just for balance, ha!

Show him all the poems I’ve written about him on Medium

Including my semi-viral poem and the poem that won second place in a competition.

“My Secret Love for a Golden Retriever” went semi-viral. It’s at 18.6 K views currently.

I thought it was funny how thousands of strangers know my “secret” now, but my crush still doesn’t.

My contest-winning poem was “A Soulful Love Poem to My Crush.” This was for the What is Love for You pub’s Halloween competition. I used Halloween imagery to depict my relationship with him.

Some other poems I wrote about my crush, whether implicitly or overtly, include: “My Silky Leaves Find Yours — A Love Poem,” “When Sadness Is a Source of Pleasure,” and “A Golden Field of Hope and Desire: A Gay, Trans, and Aromantic Love Story.”

It was delightful to use symbols and metaphors to express how I feel about him. Now I wonder how he would react. Would he be happy that I wrote multiple poems about him? Or would he be weirded out?

He’s not a fan of poetry, unfortunately. But if the poems are about him, would it make a difference? Would he find it childish? Bizarre? I’d still love to show him one day, though.

Do a sexting roleplay but only with words, not pictures

You didn’t think I would keep this post vanilla and innocent, did you?

Back when I was cruising Grindr, the hookup app mainly for gay and bi men, I had a couple of purely verbal sexting roleplays with two guys.

With one of them, it was really fun. I felt witty and clever, and I liked having the power to arouse a stranger so much. He of course ghosted me later, because ghosting is the norm on Grindr.

My other sexting partner and I were both English majors. We were fancy in our descriptive prose, which sounds like a good thing. But it was not. We were too busy describing the forest and the lake that we pictured ourselves in.

Worst of all, I wasn’t even turned on. And I didn’t have the self-awareness to tell him I wanted to change the scenario.

Regardless, he also ghosted me a month or so later. But hey, a month or so isn’t so bad! Normally a guy on Grindr would ghost you after only one day, if you even get that far.

Now with my crush, let’s hope that he doesn’t also disappear from my life. I haven’t heard his reply for almost a month now.

Yet, we are just platonic friends, we met in person rather than through an app, and we have many mutual friends. We’ve known each other for three years too, so let’s hope that means something.

I suspect his long delays in reply are ADHD-related, believe it or not. From our in-person encounters pre-pandemic, I got the sense that he’s a fellow autistic and possibly ADHDer. (I definitely have autism and might have mild ADHD.)

From what I understand, ADHD makes you think that everything is equally urgent, so you easily feel overwhelmed, especially during the pandemic. Thus, it’s hard to prioritise tasks.

If you’re a friend who lives far away, and you’re not in a structure with them where you have to interact, such as coworkers, classmates, or clients and professionals, then the ADHDer may have trouble prioritising you.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, but they struggle to handle many tasks at once, since ADHD makes prioritization very hard.

Yet, call me optimistic, but whenever my crush does reply, he always sounds so warm and kind. I feel that he sincerely cares and wants me to be successful and happy.

The analogy I can think of here, is that I’m a good book that my friend looks forward to reading. But since I’m not urgent or mandatory, my friend may take a year or several years to actually read me.

Wow. I went from talking about sexting to explaining ADHD…In any case, I hope that one day, if my crush and I become intimate partners, we can try out those purely verbal sexting roleplays, and have some hot relationship that lasts. Not something that fizzles out after a day or two.

Transform into two flying Pokémon, such as Lugia and Latios

Back to more lighthearted stuff! Often I fantasise about morphing into pokemon with my crush. Especially those that can fly, such as Lugia and Latios.

He and I are both pokemon fans, and there’s something so magical and thrilling about soaring through the sky together. I love that sense of freedom, too.

Turn into a Glaceon and be his Pokemon buddy

This is similar to my idea of shapeshifting into a cat. Except Glaceon is a fox, a fox with ice powers. Isn’t it cute?

I even took a picture of a Glaceon with a friend’s dog.

Same with my cat idea, I like feeling that I’m an adorable creature. I can be his buddy, walk side by side with him on our adventures, and ride on his shoulders.

Heck, I could even be his pokemon to battle other trainers! But, like Ash’s pikachu, I don’t want to be kept inside a pokeball.

Sing as fictional characters in a musical or an animated film

Lastly, it would be sweet if we could star in a story song together, either in a musical or an animated movie.

It would be exciting to sing together in some wild scene. Imagine lighthearted and carefree songs like The Lion King’s “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King,” Oliver and Company’s “Streets of Gold,” the Trolls’ “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” and Legally Blonde’s “Gay or European.”

Once again, I relish the adventure and humour of singing together as two characters in a song. I’m not sure if my crush actually likes to sing (probably not). But I do, so let’s pretend he loves singing too for the sake of this scenario!

There you have it. Cute and quirky things I’d love to do with my crush, whether on Valentine’s Day or any other day.

How about you? If you have a crush or a partner, what wild, wacky, adorable, or outlandish things do you want to do with them? Tell me in the comments below!

Originally published in The Pub on Feb 14, 2023