An Aromantic’s Quest to Find a Stable, Loving Relationship

Feelings are complicated.

Relationships are mystifying.

It’s frustrating when you don’t even know what you want.

For the longest time, I was happy on my own, with no desire to date or sleep with anyone. In fact, I didn’t want to feel bound to anyone. And I didn’t feel comfortable with romantic labels, either, especially words like “boyfriend” or “dating.”

I still don’t feel comfortable with these labels.

What’s more, I’m gay and transgender, which makes my situation tougher to navigate. But I just don’t like the idea of being locked under a load of social obligations. I don’t believe in tying anybody down, nor do I want to steal anyone’s freedom away from them.

Plus, I still don’t understand what romantic love means, despite having asked countless people.

It seems like most people believe that any relationship with both emotional and sexual connection, must be romantic.

Really?

Few people can see that, outside of emotional bonding and sex, romantic love has an extra something to it.

Perhaps this extra something is the sense of social obligation, of needing to do a list of things to fit the social script of a romantic partnership.

Not everyone in a romantic relationship would follow this whole script, but there would still be social expectations, which I dislike.

Loneliness During the Pandemic

Yet, sometime into the pandemic, loneliness began to creep into my bones in a way that I had never felt before. I suddenly desired an intimate companion. Ideally, we could be like best friends who sometimes have sex.

At the time, I was specifically thinking about a friend I had a crush on. Though I do fall in love and experience passionate, deep feelings for people, I had never had a serious wish to be intimate with a crush before; I was content to just admire them from afar.

Maybe the social isolation was changing me, so that I longed for something even my platonic friendships couldn’t satisfy.

Upon further reflection, I decided that I wanted a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). A QPR is a committed, emotionally intimate relationship that may or may not be sexual; it is not romantic but is not platonic, either.

For the friend I had a crush on — let’s call him Lucas — he was beautiful in both looks and personality. Yet, we only had a few common interests. Plus, he was a dedicated athlete, while all I did was go on an elliptical twice a week.

And worst of all, though he was warm and friendly, he wasn’t very available. He was quite busy and was often gone to remote areas with limited internet connection, so I typically had to wait one or two weeks to hear back from him.

Eventually, I gave up, as I thought it was not meant to be. Maybe it would be better to stay platonic friends and not seek anything more.

Exploring Grindr and Finding Friends with Benefits

Later, I tried Grindr, a social app geared mostly towards gay and bisexual men. I didn’t think it would be wise to ask someone to be queerplatonic partners right from the start, so I just looked for friends with benefits first.

Soon enough, I found a few friends. One guy, let’s call him Nathan, had a lot of common interests with me, and he was so eloquent, so fun.

Three months later, I asked to meet up with him for a platonic lunch. We still liked each other and agreed we could be sexually involved.

All seemed well, and I really could ask him to be a QPP, if I had the courage to do so, but I thought I should wait a bit first, as I didn’t want to scare him away.

Yet, it was here that things started going downhill.

Nathan grew less and less responsive, saying he was too busy and stressed with work. I had to wait 2–3 days, sometimes even a week, just to receive a few sentences from him.

For a while, I tried to be understanding, but I was getting frustrated. I was resentful that I had to basically beg for scraps of his attention.

At the same time, Nathan must have been annoyed that I wanted to keep talking, because when he gets stressed, he tunes out the whole world. When I get stressed, I want to talk and seek out social support.

So I felt abandoned and unwanted, while he probably felt stifled by me, even if I tried very hard to stay polite and kind; I never yelled at him or used any sharp words.

As time wore on, I grew anxious about how our relationship was going to play out. Would we end it when he started dating, just as many friends with benefits are doomed to do?

It was only then that I realized that I wanted a stable, loving relationship. I didn’t just want someone to casually have fun with, even if I do value freedom and autonomy.

Nonetheless, Nathan gave me no answer when I asked if he was dating anyone. And when I asked him what his hopes and expectations were for our relationship, he didn’t respond, either.

After a while of waiting, I suggested talking on the phone or in person, so that we could discuss things more efficiently than we could through text. Nathan ignored my request, and simply repeated that he was busy and exhausted.

Then one day, in a fit of desperation, I confessed that I loved him and asked if he could be my queerplatonic partner.

I explained that, maybe one reason why we were both so anxious, was because we were both afraid of being abandoned. But a QPR, despite its lack of romance, is a committed relationship, so we could stay in each other’s lives in the long run.

I was hopeful at first, since Nathan replied in just a few minutes, rather than his usual 2–3 days. He said in a jovial tone that he had to wait till his next break to chat, as his boss was looking over his shoulder. But he would get back to me.

He sounded lighthearted, didn’t he? He certainly didn’t sound freaked out or disgusted.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

A few days later, he unfriended me. I couldn’t believe that Nathan would do this, especially as he had promised me long ago that he would never disappear on me, since we agreed that being ghosted is hurtful and dehumanizing. I felt betrayed.

For days, I cried and endured an emotional pain that I had never felt before, even though we were never involved.

New Hope

During this time of despair, I grew close to another friend on Grindr, whom I will call Zephyr. Zephyr’s attention was flattering, and the joy of their company helped to assuage the grief I felt with Nathan. And unlike Nathan, Zephyr was very regular in communication: they texted me every day!

What’s more, I got the sense that, while Nathan was passive and avoidant, Zephyr was assertive and bold, which was exactly what I needed at the time. After chatting for three weeks, I met up for a platonic dinner with Zephyr.

I was happy with them in person too. Shortly after, I developed sexual and even crush feelings for them. I did wonder whether I could ask Zephyr to be my QPP, but after the fiasco with Nathan, I was too afraid to speak up, in case even Zephyr would run off on me.

To my dismay, I soon developed intense feelings of jealousy towards Zephyr’s future romantic partners — Zephyr was not dating anyone at the time. These feelings scared me, and what was worse, I had a desire to become their primary sexual partner.

Yet, Zephyr was alloromantic, so of course I couldn’t demand such a privileged place with them, since I couldn’t give them a romantic relationship, even if they were interested.

But then some weeks later, due to unforeseen circumstances, Zephyr and I decided not to become sexually involved, after all.

I also confessed to Zephyr that I had a crush on them, and that I had wanted to ask them to be my queerplatonic partner. Not only did Zephyr not flee with fright at my confession, they even said they were flattered to hear that I liked them in that way.

In an odd turn of events, I actually became more relaxed after we cut off all potential sexual involvement. I grew less anxious, since I didn’t need to compete with their romantic partners anymore, and I didn’t need to worry about being dumped if they one day lost interest in me.

Not long after, I told Zephyr that I started seeing them as an older sibling. They liked that idea too. So we became siblings, chosen family. It seemed like I had found a stable, safe relationship at last.

An Argument and Changes

But good things never last, do they?

I had been so happy, maybe too happy, with Zephyr. Though I wasn’t in love with them anymore, I was still very attached and had an almost hero worship attitude towards them.

Maybe my tendency to idealize people was what led to my downfall.

Zephyr got mad at me for something I said. They made cutting remarks that hurt me deeply. This behavior was out of character for them, as they were usually so kind and understanding.

The argument was very painful. Zephyr added that I was too self-pitying and not proactive enough. I was angry to hear this, because they completely disregarded the actions and accomplishments I had made over the past month.

In fact, I explained to them that I was engaging in self-compassion, not self–pity, because I was taking many steps to change my life already. I wasn’t passive. Zephyr stuck to their guns, however, and was very dismissive all the way through.

Later, I suggested that we take a break from this topic, and Zephyr agreed. On the surface, we seemed back to normal, but the distance had grown between us. We texted each other less and less. (Zephyr never texted first, by the way. I was always the initiator.)

After they accused me of wallowing in self-pity, I took care to focus on positive topics and almost never told them about my problems again. I couldn’t trust Zephyr anymore. I no longer felt safe, even if they still cared for me.

You may think that I ought to talk to Zephyr about this. Normally I would have, but that argument was so explosive, and when I did try to bring it up the next day when Zephyr was calmer, I was met with so much dismissal and condescension, that I just gave up.

I didn’t want to go through all of that misery again, nor did I think Zephyr would ever be willing to understand.

Some Surprising Twists and Turns

Back when I was happily immersed in my siblinghood with Zephyr, I had ceased to feel lonely, even during this pandemic. My desires for a queerplatonic relationship had faded, and my lust had evaporated.

But sometime before my conflict with Zephyr, my longing for an intimate relationship had revived. And after our conflict, my wishes for intimacy have risen to a poignant pitch.

I wasn’t so young and desperate anymore, though. There was a degree of fervor and hunger in my yearnings, but I didn’t feel as distressed as I did last year. I could bide my time and set better boundaries with people, too.

And guess what? I’ve grown interested in my old crush, Lucas, again.

One of my initial doubts about Lucas, was that unlike Zephyr, Lucas was much slower in replying to my messages. But at least when he did reply, he tried to respond to almost everything I said. Zephyr’s replies to me, though warm and supportive, were rarely more than a sentence or two.

It irked me sometimes how I would type a long essay full of details, and Zephyr would only respond to one or two of the points I made. And at times, they chose to reply to a trivial detail, as if they couldn’t see the true point of my message.

But I had accepted this to be Zephyr’s preference of communication, that I had no right to demand anything. And since Zephyr replied quickly, I couldn’t expect them to write me such a thorough response, anyway.

A more uplifting thing that happened, however, was that ever since the blow-up with Zephyr, I had spent so much time defending myself, both in writing and in my thoughts, that I eventually believed everything I said — my self-esteem increased. My self-esteem used to be very low, but now it’s medium.

And since I didn’t trust Zephyr to be a safe person anymore, I learned to rely on other sources of comfort. I dived into Medium, a platform where writers share their articles, poems, and short stories.

Happiness and Support on Medium

I love Medium so much. This is probably the most progressive online platform I have ever been on. I can talk about being trans, gay, and nonbinary, and nobody makes a fuss. It’s so fun to chat with other writers, by commenting on each other’s posts.

Soon enough, I had befriended a number of people, and even grew close to some of them. Medium was a place where I could stop feeling lonely. Here was an endless number of people I could talk to.

When I read someone’s article or write a comment to them, I feel connected and happy. I don’t have to fear overwhelming anyone, either, because there are so many people I can write to. It encouraged me how many writers express their joy and appreciation when I write long, thoughtful comments on their articles. I, in turn, feel appreciated and valued as a reader.

It’s especially easy to connect with people on Medium, because many of them write so openly about their personal lives and feelings. It feels like a kind of heaven to me, since I can bond easily even with strangers, with our mutual confidence and support of each other in our suffering.

After my sadness with Zephyr, I wrote an article that I titled “Self-Compassion Is Not Laissez-Faire.” My article was borne out of anger, but I wrote the piece in a calmer, more collected tone.

It became one of my most popular articles. Readers loved it very much, and they told me that I was very compassionate and thoughtful.

Wow…at the time, I had only wanted to vent my anger and write a long and detailed rebuttal to Zephyr, as a sort of revenge. But I didn’t realise that my essay could be comforting and helpful to other people, too.

More and more, I feel that I’ve found a home on Medium. The writers here are so welcoming and accepting. I enjoy talking with them, and they like talking with me. I get invites more and more often to events, and I even joined some groups, on and off of Medium.

Within this larger community, I don’t feel alone anymore, even though my relationship with Zephyr is still in limbo.

My Secret Love for a Boy with a Golden Retriever

Soon, I felt very moved by some of the articles on Medium about love. I felt so touched, that I took out a poem I had written about Lucas before I started my Grindr adventures.

I had been very fond of this poem, though I believed that it was written in such an opaque, symbolic way, that nobody would understand it but me. Still, I was determined to edit this poem to a point where even strangers could understand and enjoy it.

I named my poem, “My Secret Love for a Boy with a Golden Retriever.” To my amazement, readers loved my poem. They especially praised the vivid imagery I used, which stunned me, because I had worried that the imagery would be too wild and alienating to readers.

They even enjoyed my Lord of the Rings reference at the beginning, where I talked about the Misty Mountains, goblins, and the hobbits. Again, I had thought that my Lord of the Rings reference had come out of nowhere and that readers would find it off-putting, but no, I had misjudged once again.

In fact, an editor of the pub I submitted this poem to, chose my poem to be featured as one of her poems of the week. Every week, she would choose two poems to be featured. She even put my poem into her reading list of favorite poems!

I was already thrilled by such a positive reaction from readers and the editor. But what followed astounded me even more. I am a relatively new writer on Medium, with a small following and an even smaller portfolio of work–I had only published 6 pieces of work, including this poem, at the time. But one day, “My Secret Love for a Boy with a Golden Retriever” suddenly boomed in popularity.

Before, my article with the highest number of views only had 123 views, which had already seemed amazing to me. But my poem about Lucas had more than a thousand views…almost all of the new readers were from outside of Medium. I had no idea how people found the poem, since Medium stats aren’t too informative about the exact sources of our traffic.

This figure only rose higher and higher. Right now, my poem has reached 8.5 K views and 2.2 K reads. I think most people believed from the title that it was a short story or personal essay, only to find that it was a poem, and not everyone likes poems.

(Note: It is now at 18.6 K views on March 16, 2023.)

It was flattering that over two thousand strangers were interested enough to read the whole poem, especially since it’s a long one.

It’s funny that thousands of strangers now know about my secret crush. I wonder how Lucas would react if (or when) I told him that I had written a poem about him that had gone semi-viral.

Regardless, I take this to be a favorable sign. I’ve confided to many friends and even strangers on Medium about my situation, about my love for Lucas. And I’ve promised that I would tell him about my feelings. Even if he says no, I would have at least tried.

My Present Plans

At this point, I feel that even the term “queerplatonic relationships” isn’t enough for me, as it also implies something I don’t quite want. My fellow aros may hate me for saying this, though some of them may secretly feel the same:

“Queerplatonic relationships” sounds cute and fun, but it also suggests a segregation from all other intimate relationships, at least for me.

Over these past weeks, I’ve spoken to more alloromantic friends, and I think that aside from my aversion to some romantic labels, my feelings aren’t that different from theirs. I do desire emotional connection, physical and sexual affection, and a steady companion who makes me feel safe.

As I’ve alluded to near the beginning of this essay, even alloromantic folks, such as these friends, feel uncomfortable with certain conventions, such as sharing a bank account, co-owning a car, sleeping in the same bedroom, doing their partner’s laundry, and so on. Different people have different preferences.

“Queerplatonic relationships” sounds cute and fun, but it also suggests a segregation from all other intimate relationships, at least for me.

There are some relationship gestures that I used to hate too, but have now grown more open to. For instance, I became okay with the idea of living with my partner and even meeting their family.

Maybe I desire something similar to what my romantic friends want. Maybe I’m demiromantic, someone who can feel romantic attraction if there’s a close emotional bond.

I’m still not comfortable calling my experiences “romantic” in any way, but perhaps a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

So I go with no labels now. I want somebody to love who would love me back. We could be together. If it doesn’t turn out well, we could part ways but hopefully still stay friends.

But I have to try. Even if he isn’t interested, I am confident that we can still be friends. Maybe we would be lucky and my confession would bring us closer, no matter what the outcome.

but perhaps a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

After surviving my experiences with Nathan and then Zephyr, I believe I’ll be alright. Suffering and sorrow in relationships don’t scare me so much now. I would embrace the sadness as well as the joy. Even if Lucas does say yes to me, our relationship might not last. It may even turn sour and crash and burn.

But let’s not give up hope before anything has even started. Maybe I will be fortunate and find a stable, loving relationship one day.

Thanks for reading! This post was a response to the Carnival of Aros prompt, “Stability,” by Roboticanary, for March 2022.

Originally published on The Wild and Stormy Mind on March 31, 2022