A Trans Person’s Delight in Swimming After Avoiding Pools for 10+ Years
Swimming is a source of pleasure.
I love the smooth, chilly freshness of the water on my skin. Water is soothing and calming to all of my senses.
But swimming is also a source of grief.
The mandatory lessons and contests that our school put us through, drained away any enthusiasm I had for the sport.
What was worse, I was going through a rough time with my body. A couple of years ago, I finally got surgery to get rid of my chest, thank goodness.
Yet, I still didn’t feel comfortable wearing swim trunks and laying bare my torso for other people to see. I could wear a gender-neutral one-piece suit, but still, I was uncertain about going back to the pool.
For one, it was hard to forget how I always lost in swimming contests. While I’m not a super competitive person, I don’t enjoy losing all the time, either.
But the scariest thing was navigating the men’s changing room. I’m lucky that most people read me as male now, so no one gives me weird glances in the men’s rooms anymore.
Still, the thought of stripping naked to put on my swim trunks was frightening, even if I could take shelter in a locked stall.
At the time, I was at my university’s athletic centre. It was quite good in LGBTQ+ acceptance, at least in theory.
I sometimes went to the gym with two transmasc friends. Once, when I was in the bathroom, a guy went up to my friends and declared, “It makes me uncomfortable to see girls in the men’s changing room. If you don’t leave now, I’ll call security!”
A friend countered, “We have the right to be here.”
Plus, if the guy called security, the security guard would kick out the transphobe, not my friends.
I had no idea that any of this happened, until I exited the bathroom and my friends told me about it. One friend said that he might not want to come to the gym anymore.
How sad it is that we could be harassed even at a trans-positive gym!
Sometimes, a diversity policy is just a show. Or the staff may respect the policy, but the students may not really care.
A Trip to the Beach
My breakthrough in swimming came when I went to the beach with my trans support group.
Shortly before, a cis friend from a Pokémon Go chat shared that she was going swimming. I told her that I would love to go, too, but I still needed to buy gear as I only had a bathing suit from my female-presenting days.
My friend was warm and encouraging in her response. So I emboldened myself to buy board shorts and trunks.
On the day of the beach with my trans support group, I forgot to bring my swimming gear… But the water was so sparkling clear and gorgeous under the summer sun. When my friends walked towards the ocean, I went as well.
When we reached the seashore, I asked my friends to turn around. I braced myself. And then I took off my shirt.
I was topless in public for the first time.
But I was too nervous, so I dunked myself into the water to hide my body.
After that initial shyness, however, it was much easier. To my pleasant surprise, I still remembered how to swim after avoiding the pool for 10+ years!
It was thrilling and enjoyable, even without my goggles. And I felt safe because I was with other trans folks.
Soon enough, it didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore to be shirtless in public.
Moreover, it was a moment of masculine privilege — even when I forgot to bring my swimming trunks, all I had to do was remove my shirt.
Public Pools
My happy time at the beach made me eager to go swimming again.
I put it off for months. I feel nervous when I try new things, even though I know that new experiences are essential for my growth.
I heard from friends that here in Toronto, you could go swimming for free in the public pools.
Some weeks ago, I finally searched up the pools near me. I packed my bag full of swimming gear, and pushed myself to at least visit the site.
When I arrived, I was struck by the chlorine smell of the swimming pools. It was a nostalgic, indescribable moment.
I peered around the centre and read their information sheet. At last, I picked up the courage to ask the front desk how the booking worked.
The staff member explained the rules, but added that today was the women’s swimming session. In an apologetic voice, he said, “Since you’re a guy, they won’t let you in.”
Wow, I couldn’t believe my ears! To think that just some years ago, I would be able to enter without a problem. All I did was change my physical appearance. I was still the same person inside.
Nonetheless, I was thrilled to be read as male and be denied entrance as a male. (I’m transmasc nonbinary, to be exact.) I had never been so glad to be rejected in my life!
The Changing Rooms
What made me even gladder were the changing rooms.
It took me a while to figure out what was going on, since I wasn’t even allowed to visit the men’s changing room during the women’s swim hours.
It turns out there were no men’s changing rooms. Their locker rooms were all-gender-inclusive!
When I returned to the aquatic center the next day, I saw that there were two locker rooms, one for swimmers in the 25-meter pool, and the other for swimmers in the play pool. Each room had tons of locked stalls for changing.
There was an open shower near the entrance to the pools. Hardly anyone actually showers there. We just wash before and after swimming, with our bathing suits or trunks on.
In the past, I wouldn’t have thought it possible to have gender-neutral changing rooms, unless they use individual units. These units take up too much space, however, so an athletic centre would only have a few.
Yet, this aquatic centre has succeeded in making clean, comfortable changing rooms that people of all genders can use.
The only thing that was uncomfortable was the swimming itself — I need to get back in shape!
Gender Validations
It was wonderful that even when I wore my swim trunks, with my torso exposed, nobody thought there was anything fishy about me. No one bothered me, either, except when I swam off track and bumped into people.
What’s more, I believe I’m a faster swimmer now. Am I just older and stronger? Or did taking testosterone give my muscles a big boost in power?
Even when I push off from the deck, it seems like I could cover one-quarter of the 25-metre pool already! And I still recall how to do a somersault, to launch myself back out from the deep end.
At the end of the day, we’re just ordinary people who want to have fun and swim. The lack of attention I got from others was a relief. I could just enjoy the pool like all my cis peers do with no worries!
Originally published in Prism & Pen on June 16, 2022
