A Trans Person Got Nasty When I Said NO to Dating Them—I'm Trans Myself

Have you ever experienced something so alarming, that it makes you question your long-held beliefs?

And sometimes, it hits you right before Valentine’s Day.

The incident happened in my trans and nonbinary support group on Discord. One member identified as a demigirl (a nonbinary person who is partially female). Let’s call her Rebecca.

Rebecca shared a cute meme where a guy went down on his knees, offering a Gengar plushie to a smiling girl. (Gengar is a ghost type Pokemon.) The caption read: Girls don’t want rings. They want Gengar squishmallows!

That was adorable. Pokemon has been my favorite fandom since I was eight. I’m 32 now. Gengar is my favorite pokemon, too. So I took a picture of my two Gengar plushies, as a show of solidarity.

Rebecca was pleased and asked me where I bought them. I answered and we chatted for a bit.

Fast forward to about a week later, just shortly before Valentine’s Day:

I got a DM from Rebecca. She hoped I didn’t mind her messaging me, and out of curiosity, she asked me how old I was. She went on to say that she didn’t know if I was in a relationship or not, or if I had any plans for Valentine’s Day, but she wondered if I would want to go on a date.

Rebecca added that it didn’t have to lead to anything. And she suggested we could do a Zoom hangout and watch Pokemon shows together.

Um…Rebecca and I were virtually strangers. We only had that one brief conversation about Pokemon. We never met, and have never even seen each other’s faces, since we both used cartoon avatars on Discord.

Anyhow, I wanted to let her down lightly. I thanked her for the offer, but explained that I’m gay and only into dudes. I also said that I had bad eyestrain, so I don’t watch shows anymore, as they hurt my eyes too much.

Rebecca’s Unexpected Response

I was wholly unprepared for her reaction.

She asked if I was strictly only into dudes, and not into nonbinary or bigender people?

I replied that I liked transmasc nonbinary folks too; I am a transmasc enby myself. (Enby is short for N.B., i.e. nonbinary.)

But Rebecca went on a tirade. She questioned why butch women with a masc presentation or personality didn’t count for me. She said a whole bunch of other things, including, “So a transmasc enby who gets breast augmentation is bad, but a transmasc enby who gets top surgery is okay, lol.” (Top surgery is breast removal.)

Rebecca’s comment was cringeworthy but also confusing. Did she and I have a different definition for transmasc enbies? If someone identifies as transmasc, they are highly unlikely to want bigger breasts…

I tried to reply at first, but I gradually gave up, as she kept shutting me down.

Rebecca argued that I was too close-minded about masculinity. She accused me of succumbing to social norms about gender.

At the time, I felt very guilty, as I value open-mindedness, and it sounded like I had failed to accept new ideas.

Was I Too Close-Minded?

Just a few days before Rebecca messaged me, some folks in our trans support group talked about the limits of sexual orientation labels.

One member, Anna, said that you can’t reduce masculinity and femininity to specific traits. Instead, she would look at the whole person. She identifies as a lesbian, but explained that this was only an approximate label.

In that conversation, I felt bad, since it seemed like I was being too traditional with what “masculine” and “feminine” meant, when it came to who I was attracted to as a gay fellow.

So when Rebecca questioned me on this, I felt awful again. But eventually, I realized that sexual attraction isn’t something I can control, and is certainly not related to how open- or close-minded I am.

Plus, even if I were attracted to femme folks, I don’t feel comfortable dating strangers. And no means no.

Alerting the Admin

So I reached out to an admin for help. I even screenshotted my entire conversation with Rebecca.

The admin was Anna, the lesbian group member who said she wouldn’t reduce traits to “masculine” and “feminine,” but would rather look at the whole person for her romantic relationships.

Now as the admin, Anna reviewed my screenshots and agreed that no means no. She added that Rebecca shouldn’t have interrogated me, either.

Anna spoke with the other admin, Helen. They drafted up a message that they would send to Rebecca, and they sought my approval before sending it out.

In the message, the admins wrote that Rebecca should not DM someone for a date out of the blue. And since I had already set my boundaries and said no, Rebecca should accept my rejection rather than questioning my sexual orientation.

If Rebecca ever tried this again, they would have to have a more serious conversation (i.e. they may have to ban her from the group).

In the end, Rebecca sent me this private message: She was sorry that I thought she meant a romantic date. She only meant hanging out. Then she announced she would leave the group and not bother me anymore. She unfriended me after that.

Sobering Lessons

For the longest time, I had complained that nobody ever asked me out. DMs from strangers on Grindr and Scruff don’t count. Now, I finally got asked out, and shortly before Valentine’s Day, too. But it wasn’t a joyful experience.

It’s okay to ask someone to hang out platonically, but it sounded like Rebecca was backtracking and denying. If it was purely platonic, why did she ask me for my age or if I was in a relationship? Why set the date on Valentine’s Day?

And why did she have such an aggressive reaction when I said I was only into dudes, and kept grilling me on my sexual orientation?

Looking back, it sounded like she was guilt-tripping me as well, not to mention doubting my reality and ridiculing my sexual identity.

It’s one thing if a cis person says they don’t want to date trans people. This was quite the opposite. I actually thought she would be glad that I took her identity seriously.

I didn’t see her as a guy just because she was assigned male at birth. I saw her as a demigirl, since that is the identity she put beside her Discord username.

Moreover, when I said “dudes,” I included trans men as well. A number of my crushes were trans guys and yes, they were already out to me as trans at the time. And as I explained, I’m attracted to fellow transmasc nonbinary folks too.

But regardless, my answer wasn’t good enough for Rebecca.

Sexuality Is Complex, But…

This whole fiasco taught me that yes, sexual orientation can be complicated, and yes, it could be reductionist and simplistic to label someone’s features as “feminine” or “masculine.”

At the same time, sexual orientation is a funny thing. No matter what you believe about “femininity” and “masculinity,” if you don’t feel attracted, you don’t feel attracted.

For what it’s worth, I myself have been rejected when a Grindr friend saw that I look much more masculine in person than in my photos. They were only into “femme guys.”

We can protest all we want about the unfairness, about how people shouldn’t categorize features as “femme” or “masc.” If only our society didn’t even have these gender distinctions! But at the end of the day, what can you do? It is what it is, and a no is a no.

The Dark Side of “Masculine Privilege”?

There was another takeaway I got from this incident: I had believed that just because I’m more privileged than her (I’m masc and she’s femme), that means I should put her first.

But I realize now how foolish that mindset is. It doesn’t matter what our genders are. Consent is important, even if it’s a girl asking a guy out and he declines.

Moreover, I noticed how it’s so much easier for someone to say they’re not interested in masc folks, sometimes with an expression of disgust.

But if you’re a gay man (or gay transmasc enby like me), you have to be a gentleman. Even when you say you’re not into femme folks, you need to be gentle and polite about it. Expressing disgust is wholly out of the question. So it feels like a double standard.

By femme folks, I don’t mean guys and enbies who present in a femme way. I mean folks whose gender identity is on the feminine spectrum: this includes women (both cis and trans) and transfemme enbies.

Sexual orientation can be messy and blurry sometimes, but at the very least, we should respect the other person’s sexual identity, even if they sadly don’t swing our way.

Over to You

What do you think? Have you ever had your sexual orientation questioned, if you rejected someone for not being of a gender you’re attracted to? And if so, did they ridicule you and make you feel like you were too traditional or close minded?

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Originally published in Prism & Pen on May 25, 2023